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It’s About The Victims

Oh, how painful it is when the prey becomes the predator.
And oh, how many missed the point of the February 23rd cover story on sexual abuse.
The story wasn’t about the predators, it was about the victims.
Why is that we are so embarrassed for the families of predators?
Is it like they don’t know their children?
Is it like they turned their children in to the authorities for incarceration? Hardly the fact.
Perhaps if more predators knew that they would be humiliating their parents by name and their brothers and sisters by name, then maybe that would be a deterrent.
For the people who criticized the story because a convicted predator’s name was used, there were thwo who come to mind.
One is the woman who attacked me verbally at the grocery store. Brave, I must say. Very brave. Not once did she ask me how “Steve,” the victim was doing with his life. Not once did she want to know the extent of the pain he has had to live through.
Not once.
Instead, it was all about embarrassing the predator’s family.
Please.
Steve should only hope that one day he can walk down the aisle for his wedding pain free.
By the way, nobody in the perpetrator’s family acted heroically here. Indeed, their predator son is only in jail because he got busted soliciting sex from 11 and 13 year old boys on the Internet. If he didn’t go for an FBI sting, he’d still be out there in the world of the predator, no thanks to family members or those who knew him.
The second “brave” example was the lady who said she was related to one of my heroes in this community. How that deceased community leader, would absolutely disapprove of the brazen, cowardly, hardly Orthodox way she handled herself via voicemail.
It’s all very sickening to me. Protect the predator. Go ahead, until one day G-d forbid, the prey is in your very own family.
Finally, there was a piece to the February 23 article that was omitted, to not distract the readers from the sexual abuse theme. It was a portion of the story covering a common factor of many sexual abuse victims, substance abusers and people in recovery. Of several people interviewed, all told a story of how a rebbe slapped or punched them or a son while in yeshiva.
One mother told of how her son, an ADHD child, had a piece of duct tape placed over his mouth and ripped off.
Another told of how her child was told to pick up garbage in the classroom while the other students learned. His offense, he couldn’t sit still.
Yet another told of coming home from school some days with black and blue marks all over his body. This was from his “teacher.” And that victim is having nothing of religious Judaism anymore.
The excuse: “oh, that’s the old European style of teaching.”
Beating, humiliation, that’s the style?
Maybe we should ask more of our sexual molestation survivors, more of our friends in substance abuse recover if they were hit by their rabbis in yeshiva?
Or is that a question that will once again result in well-thought, “courageous” anonymity on the blogosphere or the weak voicemails left at two in the morning.
Come on community, be stronger. Be Jewish. Face this issue. Admit that we have survivors of sexual abuse. Let’s find them and help them begin a journey of true healing.
But never forget – it’s about the victim now.
Predators, you’ve had your demented way.
It’s over. We will find you out. And your relatives who share a similar last name won’t be happy with us, with me. But it’s the predators you should be angry about, whether they molested, humiliated, hit or abused in some other way.
Enough.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/06/07 at 05:38 PM

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Posted by Gregari on 08/24/07 at 07:52 PM

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Posted by Gregari on 08/24/07 at 04:50 PM

You are behaving extremely irresponsibly in this case. The accused is dead and is not here to defend himself.  We have seen many recent cases of molestation where the accused has been innocent, most notably the Mitchell-Martin case. How do we know that the victims recollection is accurate? 

It is your duty as a journalist to report fairly, and in this case it is clearly impossible.

Posted by Bill on 04/27/07 at 12:45 PM

Phil thank you so much for speaking out.  I want to tell you that I’m a bit upset at the language you are using.  I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I am NOT a victim.  While I was being “_ _ _ _ed” by my offender I was a victim.  I’ve been doing my best to survive what happened.  Please stop referring to us as “victims”.  I am a S.U.R.V.I.V.O.R. and proud of it.

Posted by A Survivor on 04/01/07 at 11:45 PM

Although I agree with you in general, and certainly have no problem with you publishing names, I think you should realize that there are plenty of family members that are innocent, have no control over the predator, and are scarred.  It just isn’t so black and white.  I know of a young middle schooler who had an uncle of the same name who was a predator. When the man’s name appeared in the paper, she was ridiculed, embarrased by her teachers in front of the class when they asked about the case etc.  She was emotionally traumatized.  Yes, it was ultimately the predator’s fault, not the newspaper’s…but it shows it isn’t so black and white. Your blog seems to say…well, that is just tough…look at the poor victim.  Those family members are also victims.  In that particular case, the family did all they could to try to stop the predator…including turning him in.  The entire family was traumatized…  so you can’t just say tough.  Maybe there is nothing to do about it but you shouldn’t be so callous.

Posted by Joe on 03/16/07 at 12:58 AM

I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write that article. It was insightful and informative. However, I thought that maybe the name of the predator should have been witheld only because he is already incarcerated down south, while his parent’s are in town. It would only revisit shame and guilt to his family. But I guess I understand why you did it.

Posted by Yaakov on 03/09/07 at 06:14 PM

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