Chananya Backer, 16, is dead.
He was the passenger in a accident that occurred on Friday morning, August 8.
He was one of “those” kids. He was asked to leave the Talmudical Academy.
There were issues, rebellion, whatever.
Yet, he was loved and befriended by many other teens who also had some records of let’s just say nonconformity.
So I don’t know if one has anything to do with the other. But I was sitting in a car with a friend yesterday talking about his son’s upcoming bar mitzvah.
Somehow the conversation came up about the number of friends we jointly have who are having trouble finding a place for their children to attend school in the fall. Almost all of these kids are Orthodox kids, and almost all of them have been kicked out of yeshivas for one reason or another.
You know Chananya was kicked out of Talmudical Academy.
There was really no where else in the yeshiva world for him to go.
The Orthodox community is ideally designed for the round peg fitting easily into the round hole. But when the square peg comes forward, no matter how much we try to jam or squeeze the peg, it just won’t happen.
Of course it’s important to encourage study of Torah and words of our sages. There is no question there. But that doesn’t mean everyone is good at it.
Look, if my parents had sent me to a vocational school, I would have been out on the street in five minutes. I still own maybe two tools, but lots of duct tape.
But I’m going to use this space to call on friends, leaders such as Larry Ziffer, executive director of the Center for Jewish Education; Zipora Schorr, the educational director of Beth Tfiloh, Barbara Gradet, executive director of the Jewish Family Services; Larry Katz, the dean emeritus of the University of Baltimore Law School and others to call one another, meet one another in the spirit of no wrong answers, come up with a solution that would academically and socially validate the students who just can’t fit in otherwise.
Certainly, the Associated’s use of the word “visioning” can mean more than just financial strategic planning. There are great minds in this region who could really offer some ideas, before we have to get together for yet another eulogy.
But equally as important, someone has got to bring some of these kids together in a room and talk to them, interview them. Ask them what they want, how we can help them. While we’re at it, bring in former “off the derech” kids who are now adults, and find out what worked for them or what didn’t work for them.
This has got to be an organized effort. But as we’ve seen it’s a matter of life and death now.
And it just can’t be symbolic. When the Orthodox rabbis signed a piece of paper in April of 2007 condemning sexual molestation, most of them did nothing more after that.
In the meantime, those in the community who have “perfect children” and “no problems” need to get lessons in how to have their arrogance removed. The judgment that goes on in this community is pure and simple loshon hora, period. And is by no means a standard with which we want to teach anybody.
No wonder a child is disinterested. He sees mom and dad davening on one hand then gossiping on the other or putting someone down.
Maturity.
Time to grow up.
Time to treat this issue of disenfranchised kids, of kids who have no place to go as a serious issue. And the time to give it our attention are on the days when we’re not delivering eulogies.
Chananya was a beautiful boy with a smart sense of humor and a love of his friends and family.
Let’s do something to turn the memory of his life into an outreach of love, productivity and validation.
If a kid gets kicked out of a local school for whatever the reason, or if a kid just doesn’t fit in, it is up to this community to find a place here in Baltimore that will accept him with open arms.

Sorry, I don’t buy that notion that it is all the parent’s/family’d fault.  I’ve seen too many loving, giving parents who have kids who’ve rebelled or left the religion.  These are families whose parents are community leaders, who live in the Yeshiva Lane ghetto where there is no internet or newspapers, people who volunteer, where the moms stay at home, where Torah is paramount. Their homes are warm and caring, they live “Ivdu es Hashem Bisimcha” (serve G-d with joy). Some of their children are happy with their parent’s way of life and are models of what Orthodoxy should be, but others are not satisfied.  To say that every or even most children who reject this way of life are products of a “bad” or even seriously flawed home environment is an ostrich approach to the broad array of issues that face our children and our institutions and an insult to some truly excellent parents.  Yes, the home is part of the equation, but there are no facile answers here, and the combination of problems that our children face is far too complex to pin on just one factor. It’s easy to assign blame to “deficient” parents, until it’s, G-d forbid, your son or your nephew or your rabbi’s son, or your best friend’s daughter, who becomes the “shanda child.”

The main problem with off track kids or kids that do not fit in or rebel are deficient parents.The parents are overbearing or there is dysfuntion in the home or the parents are not existant(raised by the nanny ).Parents may have 5 or 6 kids who excell and they do not know how to deal with a kid who needs something extra or something a little different .Instead they try to ram yideshkeit down the kids throat and the kid “rebels”.They try to raise the kid with what worked for the other 5 kids . Some kids need a lower bar or a different set of rules .Chanoch Hannaro Al Pi Darko. Our culture ,Judging and Schools also play a role in off track or rebellious children .However ,the main cause always boils down to the home .

where are all these options you speak of? because they obviously aren’t doing their jobs. phil on the other hand, is doing his. he is a reporter, and he is reporting. he writes about plenty of good things as well, but with the good comes bad, and the necessity to recognize it.  and how do you know what he does or doesnt do to assist teens and others? have you ever asked?

Phil strikes again - although this time being much more careful with his words although it is obvious he is trying to blame TA (it must be a pet peeve).  Phil, get out more and see the options for teens that don’t exactly fit, there are a few.  Lets praise those who DID reach out to this young man- there were quite a few of those also.  As with the molestation issue, the community at large needs to be more involved.  How many readers got involved on the boards of schools following the letter that went out by the Rabbis?  How many made it a point to get involved?  Not too many from where I sit.  We would love more involved parents who can affect change (I sit on the board of a youth group but know the schools feel the same way!)  In this case to, don’t leave it solely to the Rabbis, their plates are so full and they are doing a wonderful job.  We need to assist them.  Call your Rabbi, school board chairperson, principal, and community leader and ask to be put to work.  Don’t give up if you don’t get something to do right away - be persistent.  Our kids need you.  What we as a community don’t need is a cowboy reporter looking to sell papers by assigning blame and only reporting the bad.  There is much good here Phil.  There is so much good.