Every now and then, juggling work, parenting, and family responsibilities causes me to disconnect from the simple pleasures that help me feel closer to my family.  Cooking a meal, playing a board game, even going for a walk together can bring a family closer.  Volunteering for community service projects is another way to strengthen family ties.

There are many reasons for a family to volunteer.  Community service strengthens our community, and when the community is healthy, it benefits us as individuals as well.  Then there are the satisfaction and pride that come from helping others.  Putting the needs of others before your own feels good.  Another benefit of community service is that it can strengthen your family.  Committing your time and effort to an organization or cause of your choice can result in a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

If you are thinking that in a perfect world this sounds great, but not exactly doable when it’s almost impossible to have any down time after work and family commitments, I suggest downsizing—thinking smaller.  Select one or two projects to do each year.  A community clean-up in the spring, serving Christmas dinner at a homeless shelter, or making gift baskets for nursing home residents are just some activities that do not require a weekly commitment, but still help to make someone’s world a bit brighter.

Volunteering as a family can help children continue a commitment to community service as adults.  It becomes a part of their everyday life and experiences.  Since children can meet people from many different backgrounds while volunteering, this is also a good way for them to learn tolerance - another benefit both to the community and to the family. 

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

For volunteer opportunities at JCS, please call 410-466-9200 or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/Volunteer.

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

Do you have a family member who is seriously ill, or does your child have a friend who is ill?  As difficult as it can be for adults to deal with this, often it is just as hard for children.  Deciding what to say to the person who is ill can be difficult, but our tendency to avoid that conversation may make the situation more uncomfortable.  It may be better for adults to handle some situations differently from how a child would, but in the case of a sick friend or family member, the ways to show concern and offer support are pretty much the same.

Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, believes that the “greatest gift you can give your seriously ill friend is the gift of your presence.”  If you live nearby, visiting throughout the course of an illness is the best way to let a friend or relative know you care and are there for him or her.  It doesn’t need to be said; your actions will speak volumes. 

Be a good listener if your friend wants to talk about her illness, but don’t feel as though she must discuss this with you.  For both children and adults, it is important not to worry so much about how to respond, but just actively listen.  Giving a hug or holding the person’s hand may be enough of a response.

It is important to know your own limitations and those of your child.  If you feel that you or your child cannot handle the situation, try to think about things you can do to show your support without being physically present.  You can also do this if the person who is ill is not able or prefers not to have visitors.  Call rather than visit.  Send cards, emails, and maybe even a letter.  The worst thing you can do is avoid the person altogether because avoidance can cause people suffering with a serious illness to feel abandoned. 

Your friend or family member may need you now more than ever.  Do whatever you can to be a caring friend, and encourage and support your children in doing the same.

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

Teenagers’ use of cell phones, both for conversing and texting, continues to be a concern for parents, especially parents of teenage drivers.  The data about the dangers of phone use while driving is compelling. AAA and “Seventeen” magazine surveyed 17-year-old drivers and found that 61% of teens admitted to risky driving behaviors and 46% said they text while driving. William Van Tassel, Ph.D., manager of AAA Driver Training, reports that “Motor vehicle crashes are the number one killer of teens, claiming more than 6,000 15- to 20-year-olds each year.” 

Fortunately, now the Maryland General Assembly, as well as legislatures in other states, has recognized the dangers and passed a bill prohibiting texting while operating a motor vehicle.  The Delegate John Arnick Electronic Communications Traffic Safety Act went into effect on October 1.  Violators are guilty of a misdemeanor and subject to a fine up to $500. 

This new law is a good start, but it has a long way to go before it protects teenage drivers and others on the road.  Talking on a cell phone and reading text messages while driving are still permitted, and other states have found that laws banning cell phone use while driving have been difficult to enforce.

Common Sense Media, a non-profit agency that lobbies for safer media use, points out the necessity for parents, as well as all adults, to set an example of safe driving behavior.  This really needs no explanation or justification.  How many times have you driven by someone talking on a cell phone while driving?  I see drivers drifting into another lane, swerving or turning a corner with one hand.  How is it possible to give your full attention to safe driving when you are talking on the phone?  This behavior has become so prevalent that it is hard to impress upon teenagers just how dangerous it can be.  Recently Rabbi Moshe Hauer wrote an essay called “Wireless Teshuva” in the “Jewish Times,” challenging all of us – as difficult as it may be - to change our driving habits.  So moms and dads, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, please raise the bar, and put those phones down when you are driving.

There are some ways to block car phone use, but they have yet to be perfected. The National Safety Commission reports:

“For $10 a month, Dallas-based WQN Inc. sells software that disables a cell phone while its owner is driving. It employs GPS technology, which can deduce how fast someone is traveling. But it can’t tell if that person is driving, so it can lock a passenger’s phone. WQN, which offers cell phone and Internet security software under the name WebSafety, says about 50 customers signed up during its first month of service.

The Canada-based software company Aegis Mobility is releasing DriveAssistT, a similar Global Positioning System-based product this fall. The company’s vice president, David Teater, said that Aegis is in talks with big U.S. wireless phone carriers, who would support the software and charge families a fee in the vicinity of $10 to $20 a month. The DriveAssistT system disables a phone at driving speeds and will automatically send a message informing callers or texters that the person they are trying to reach is busy driving and unable to answer the phone. But the system will also disable the phone of a non-driving passenger.”

These new products may be an option for some parents.  For other parents, modeling safe driving, discussing the dangers, expressing concern and following through on consequences may be the best deterrents to prevent their teens from using cell phone while driving.

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.
 

Well, summer is a distant memory we are back to the school day routine.  Casual barbeques and picnics at the pool during the week will have to wait for next summer.  Re-adjusting to the structure of the school year is always difficult for me.  With my household up and buzzing at 6:00 a.m., throwing chicken on the grill at 7:30 p.m. is not an option, and dinner becomes more of a chore than a pleasure. 

With this in mind, I would like to share an essay by my colleague, Susan Kurlander, Health Educator with Jewish Community Services’ Prevention Education program.  This piece put getting dinner ready during the hectic school year in a whole new light for me.  I hope that, after you read it, making dinner will seem more appealing to you as well. It’s called What Your Kids Really Want at the Dinner Table is YOU!

Research has consistently found that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use other drugs.

According to CASA (the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University), the importance of eating dinner with your kids cannot be overestimated.  A 2006 CASA survey concluded that “the average risky score of teens having dinner with their family less than three nights in a typical week is 75% greater than that of teens having dinner as a family five to seven nights a week.”  As an antidote to that overwhelming statistic, CASA has instituted a yearly “Family Day – A Day to Eat Dinner with your Children.”  Through national observance of this day, CASA hopes to raise awareness among parents that they possess powerful tools to keep their children substance-free. 

This year, the national observance of “Family Day” coincides with the completion of Yom Kippur.  The tradition of “Break Fast” has always encouraged families to share this important meal together.  So how about extending the significance of “Family Day” throughout the holiday season, as well as into the rest of the year!

Since the destruction of the Second Temple almost 2,000 years ago, Jews have deemed the traditional family table the focal point of family and spiritual strength.  We can now add yet another critical reason for sharing Shabbat and holiday meals, as we recognize that dinner time is a valuable opportunity and tool to help guide our children to make choices that will keep them safe and healthy.

For many of us, given our crowded schedules, the goal of eating dinner with our families five to seven nights a week is unrealistic.  But if we can strive for sharing family meals a few times each week, we are investing in the total well-being of our children and our families. 

Visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/prevention for helpful resources for families.  For more information about Family Day, visit http://www.CASAFamilyDay.org.

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

I am feeling more like an ATM than a mom these days.  It’s time for school supplies, school clothes, a haircut, activity fees.  Seems like all I’ve been doing is schlepping here and there for my son to get what he needs to go to a place he’d rather not be at. Oy Vay.

To make matters even more expensive, we have to buy art supplies.  Art supplies are consumable and we spend hundreds of dollars a year on them.  Why do I do this?  In my mind’s eye, the paints are there, the canvas is there, the assignment is due and my child is pacing back and forth in a panic because he cannot think of a topic for his assignment.  I know I’m projecting as the school year has just begun, but if history repeats itself, I will be in this position shortly.  Worse, it usually occurs late at night after I have worked all day and really, really want to go to sleep.

While steeling myself for another year of “artistic agony,” I read with interest a recent article by Carol Sorgen in “The Beacon” (August 2009).  The article was about Debbie Phelps and how she has maintained her passion for education while supporting her son Michael’s passion for swimming.  She candidly discusses the highs and lows of supporting Michael in his quest for success.  The Beijing Olympics were definitely a high point.  In fact, I remember being as excited for her as I was for her son.  Michael’s well publicized marijuana incident was clearly a low point, but she has always maintained her loving, supportive relationship with her son.

Sorgen’s article helped me to remember why I spend that money on back to school “everything” and why I will stay up with my child when he has “painter’s block.”  I will be there for my child even if that means feeling more like an ATM than a mom at times.  My guess is that I am not alone in feeling as if all I’m doing right now is spending money when I really need to be saving as much as I can.  Love encompasses so much, and our support for our children can be emotional, physical, and yes - within limits - even financial.

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

“As you run into your favorite retail store to grab a bottle of sunscreen for the beach, you stop dead in your tracks.  The outdoor summer displays have been replaced by school supply bins - and even fall decorations.  Glancing at your phone, you realize that it is still August and you do have a little time left before the yellow buses start rolling again.  The problem is, your heart has already stopped beating and your head is spinning.”  This is how my colleague, Colleen Brady Lippens, Health Educator with JCS Prevention Education, describes the jolt we parents get as back-to-school stress sets in.  She continues:
“Some parents greet the familiar buzz of back-to-school preparations with excited anticipation, while others would rather have a root canal.  Children also often experience mixed emotions and some stress as September looms. 

In addition to the logistics of school supplies, class schedules, daily routines, and homework assignments, students are faced with other anxieties.  According to psychiatrist and author Gail Saltz, M.D., kids face different kinds of stress according to their age group.  Pre-K through Grade School children may struggle with separation anxiety, learning and social issues.  The stress often felt by middle school kids includes bullying, cliques, peer pressure, changing academic pressures, and changes in their bodies. 

How can we best teach our kids to deal with these pressures?  The first thing we can do is reduce our own stress.  Our children follow our lead.  When facing the back-to-school stress, remember that most of these issues are temporary. 

Here are some stress-reducing suggestions:

1.  Breathe.  We really do tend to hold our breath.  In the midst of a stressful thought or activity, try breathing in to the count of 4, filling your lungs, and then slowly exhale (both times through the nose) to the count of 8.  This will calm you down almost immediately.

2.  Get organized.  Make a to-do list.  Take an inventory of what you have and what you need.  Keep a copy of the school supply lists in your car.  Checking off items will give you a sense of accomplishment.   

3.  Be prepared.  Don’t wait until the last minute to get school supplies, books, clothes, haircuts, and medical exams.  Let your kids participate in the shopping expeditions and choose notebooks, pencils and pens, etc. that suit their taste, within your budget.

4.  Keep it simple.  Don’t overcomplicate things.  If you are getting paperwork from school, read through the information and put important dates on the family calendar. 

5.  Practice your new night and morning routines.  Have your children gradually transition to an earlier bedtime and start getting up earlier.  If it’s hard, try laying out clothes and making lunch (inviting your kids to try out new menu ideas) the night before. 

6.  Encourage your children to talk about their hopes and fears for the coming year.

7.  Let go of expectations.  Whenever we have expectations of how things are going to turn out or how people should or will behave, we set ourselves up for disappointment.  Instead, go with the feeling of expectancy.  It’s more of a feeling of anticipation and a willingness to go with the flow.

You might even want to create an end-of-summer family activity, such as picnicking in a nearby park, picking fruit together at a farm, seeing a movie, inviting friends over for a BBQ, or just roasting marshmallows together and looking up at the stars in the back yard. Then, take a deep breath and you’ll be ready for a new school year. 

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

I don’t know which gives me more goose bumps—the day you went off to pre-school the first time, when I felt such a strong combination of love and worry, or now that you are headed off to college. I am so proud of how you have grown during these past years. 

I am writing this letter because I care about you and what happens to you. College will open up new horizons, and I am so excited for you.  Along with much more freedom and independence, you will also face some challenges and pressures.  Please ask yourself if what you are about to do is really worth the risk, whether in the short term or for the long run; and are you making a healthy choice? Your intent may be to have fun, but what will the impact be if things go wrong?  So please take the following words of advice to heart:

•  Don’t get into a car alone with someone you don’t really know or you just met.

•  Don’t get into a car with someone who has been drinking or who is high.

•  Underage drinking is illegal.  It is also unhealthy for your still developing brain cells.

•  Using drugs is illegal.  It is also risky because you never fully know what is in that substance or how it will affect you that time.

•  Using other people’s medicine is a gamble.  No two people are alike; someone else’s medicines are meant for that person’s body, not yours.

•  Medicines are for illnesses, not for playing around; they can turn on you and make you sick. If you are not ill, don’t take medicines.

•  Though the desire to have sexual relations with someone may be very, very strong, consider the risks involved and the whole range of possible complications.

•  You can get HIV from just one sexual encounter, but HIV will cause a lifetime of heartache and suffering. 

•  You can contract HIV, herpes and other STDs from having oral sex.

•  When you engage in sexual relations with someone, you are engaging in sexual relations with all of that person’s previous or current sexual partners.

•  Freshman year is a whole new world, and things can feel stressful and overwhelming.  If you start feeling like it’s all too much, you can talk to a counselor at
  the Health Center, the R.A. in your dorm, or someone else you trust, and you can always call me. 

So there, I have said what’s on my mind. 

As you become a young adult, you will have many day-to-day choices that can affect you for years to come.  And remember, I am still here to help you figure things out along the way.  Call me. After all, that’s why I got you the cell phone!

Your Ever Loving Parent  

By Howard Reznick, LCSW-C, Senior Manager, Prevention Education, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD.

For more information about how to help your child avoid risky behaviors, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/prevention, or call JCS, 410-466-9200.

“As you run into your favorite retail store to grab a bottle of sunscreen for the beach, you stop dead in your tracks.  The outdoor summer displays have been replaced by school supply bins - and even fall decorations.  Glancing at your phone, you realize that it is still August and you do have a little time left before the yellow buses start rolling again.  The problem is, your heart has already stopped beating and your head is spinning.”  This is how my colleague, Colleen Brady Lippens, Health Educator with JCS Prevention Education, describes the jolt we parents get as back-to-school stress sets in.  She continues:
“Some parents greet the familiar buzz of back-to-school preparations with excited anticipation, while others would rather have a root canal.  Children also often experience mixed emotions and some stress as September looms. 

In addition to the logistics of school supplies, class schedules, daily routines, and homework assignments, students are faced with other anxieties.  According to psychiatrist and author Gail Saltz, M.D., kids face different kinds of stress according to their age group.  Pre-K through Grade School children may struggle with separation anxiety, learning and social issues.  The stress often felt by middle school kids includes bullying, cliques, peer pressure, changing academic pressures, and changes in their bodies. 

How can we best teach our kids to deal with these pressures?  The first thing we can do is reduce our own stress.  Our children follow our lead.  When facing the back-to-school stress, remember that most of these issues are temporary. 

Here are some stress-reducing suggestions:

1.  Breathe.  We really do tend to hold our breath.  In the midst of a stressful thought or activity, try breathing in to the count of 4, filling your lungs, and then slowly exhale (both times through the nose) to the count of 8.  This will calm you down almost immediately.

2.  Get organized.  Make a to-do list.  Take an inventory of what you have and what you need.  Keep a copy of the school supply lists in your car.  Checking off items will give you a sense of accomplishment.   

3.  Be prepared.  Don’t wait until the last minute to get school supplies, books, clothes, haircuts, and medical exams.  Let your kids participate in the shopping expeditions and choose notebooks, pencils and pens, etc. that suit their taste, within your budget.

4.  Keep it simple.  Don’t overcomplicate things.  If you are getting paperwork from school, read through the information and put important dates on the family calendar. 

5.  Practice your new night and morning routines.  Have your children gradually transition to an earlier bedtime and start getting up earlier.  If it’s hard, try laying out clothes and making lunch (inviting your kids to try out new menu ideas) the night before. 

6.  Encourage your children to talk about their hopes and fears for the coming year.

7.  Let go of expectations.  Whenever we have expectations of how things are going to turn out or how people should or will behave, we set ourselves up for disappointment.  Instead, go with the feeling of expectancy.  It’s more of a feeling of anticipation and a willingness to go with the flow.

You might even want to create an end-of-summer family activity, such as picnicking in a nearby park, picking fruit together at a farm, seeing a movie, inviting friends over for a BBQ, or just roasting marshmallows together and looking up at the stars in the back yard. Then, take a deep breath and you’ll be ready for a new school year. 

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

After an often overscheduled school year, both kids and parents look forward to these sunny summer days, which promise a laid back lifestyle with lots of free time.  That can be good news, but summer also presents challenges.  I consulted JCS Health Educator Susan Kurlander, who offered some tips on this topic.

“For teens, laziness seems like the rainbow they’ve been watching from afar.  Their parents have told us that they fear that more free time means more opportunity to use marijuana or other drugs, engage in underage drinking and/or sexual activity. 

What can parents do to make the most of summer, yet still keep their pre-adolescents and teens safe?

Have your kids check in.  Tell them how important it is to contact you by phone or text message during the day. 

If your child has not been able to find a summer job or is working part-time, explore opportunities for him/her to help out in your office or other locations or to undertake some useful projects around the house.

Here’s hoping that you and your children have a sunny summer that is safe as well as fun.  Make the most of a time when all of you can catch your breath and enjoy each other’s company before school begins again in the fall.”

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

The other night I was driving to Hunt Valley Mall to pick my son up from a late movie.  While I was driving on Route 83, my cell phone indicated that I had received a message.  Thinking my son may have left me a voicemail about a change of plans, I glanced at the phone.  He had sent me a text message.  This left me with a variety of choices, none of which really appealed to me.  I could read the message while driving 65 miles an hour,  I could pull over to the shoulder , or I could continue on my way and ignore the message.  I chose to ignore the message for the time being.  But I couldn’t help thinking about why my son would send me something to read when he knew I was driving, and I also thought about the fact that he is a new driver himself.

A few days later, I saw an article from the New York Times called “Texting May Be Taking a Toll.”  The writer reported that according to the Nielson Company, American teenagers are receiving an average of 80 messages a day.  This new means of communication is starting to concern physicians, psychologists, educators, and parents, who observe that texting is causing sleep deprivation, distraction in school, and poor grades.  Psychologist Sherry Turkle, who is director of the Initiative on Technology and Self at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has studied the texting habits of teenagers.  She believes texting may be causing a shift in the way adolescents develop.  Turkle is concerned that texting affects a teenager’s ability to become autonomous.

I can only speak about what I have seen and heard.  Texting is all around me.  It has become the preferred way for my son to communicate with me when he is out. But how can a person concentrate on thinking something through if his phone is constantly buzzing and he is constantly checking to see if it buzzed?  How can a teenager separate from her parents and learn to become autonomous when she can text every question or decision to Mom and Dad?  What is happening to kids’ ability to take the time and solitude to reason and reach decisions on their own?

A lot of children may say that parents have no right to complain about texting since Mom and Dad may be just as dependent on their BlackBerry.  Kids may not grasp the difference between a parent checking in at work with their PDA and a child texting his or her friends 80 times a day.  I think this topic could make for some lively dinner conversation, leading to healthy limit setting and maybe even a lower phone bill!

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

JCS offers addictions treatment, as well as prevention education for children, teens, parents and professionals.  For more information, call 410-466-9200 or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

High school proms are over, seniors have graduated, and graduation parties are in full swing.  A friend of mine heard that a child we have known for years was seen drinking heavily at a graduation party.  She asked me my thoughts about her going to the child’s mom and talking with her.  I presented this dilemma to JCS Prevention Education experts Howard Reznick and Susan Kurlander.  Here is their response.

“It’s hard to be the messenger of unpleasant information, especially when it involves another child. The risks we take when we do this are numerous; an angry reaction from the other child’s parents, and our child being talked about or possibly losing a friendship are just two potential ramifications.  The only reward we may get—and it’s a critical one—is that we may be saving a life.

Supposing that you find out that your child’s friend is drinking or using drugs. Maybe it’s just one incident, or maybe it’s a pattern.  The information you have may be part of a larger picture that could be of concern and value to that child’s parent. 

Once you decide to share the information you have, how do you accomplish this?  One way of telling the parent(s) is to ask: “If your child were engaging in behavior that might be harmful to him/her and I knew about it, would you want me to tell you?” Most parents would readily say “yes” to that question.  You can then connect their answer to what you’re about to say.

Be as specific as possible in what you choose to say.  In your first few sentences, give the who, what, where, when information that you have, because the parents may not hear much else of what you have to say after that.  Whether it’s anger, denial, panic or concern, the parents’ reaction is likely to be an emotional one.

No one wants to be a “snitch.” Sometimes, though, we have to be “the parents” and do the right thing.  This doesn’t make us the most popular person at the time, but in the long run it can win us respect – self respect - and the knowledge that we have had the courage possibly to save a life.

Whatever the parents’ reaction, it might be helpful to suggest resource options such as what the child’s school or Jewish Community Services has to offer. By ending the conversation this way, the information you are sharing might be less overwhelming.  Your speaking out could lead to constructive responses, which may ultimately lead to needed help.  For more information, check out http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/prevention.”

Thanks to Howard Reznick, LCSW-C, Senior Manager, and Susan Kurlander, M.Ed., Health Educator, both with Prevention Education Services,  Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

In the classic Jewish text, Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers)*, Rabbi Meir advises: ”Do not look at the jug but what is in it.”  A recent example of this wisdom is Miss Susan Boyle.  The YouTube video of this woman on “Britain’s Got Talent” was amazing.  To be honest, I thought it was staged until she started to sing.  People in the audience were hissing when Susan Boyle came out, and she was clearly not comfortable performing.  Then she opened her mouth and sang, “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables and you know the rest.  Millions of people have seen the video on YouTube.  Here was this ordinary woman with an extraordinary voice.  Her voice alone is enough to garner the praise and attention she is receiving.  But her appearance seemed to make her audition more of an event—almost as if it is surprising that a plain, ordinary woman would have such a beautiful voice. 

Another recent example of Rabbi Meir’s wisdom can be found in the Miss USA pageant.  Carrie Prejean, Miss California, is the runner-up for Miss USA.  She is as different from Susan Boyle as two women can be.  Miss Prejean could have been the prototype for Barbie, the Mattel doll that made looks and popularity synonymous with happiness.  I did not watch the pageant, but I saw plenty of clips of her declaring she believed in “opposite marriage”.  Now, I do not think we need a Miss America but, heck, if we are going to have one, I’d like her to be thoughtful and articulate.  To say nothing of the revelation that this young lady has had plastic surgery, posed semi-nude, and has pretty much reneged on all the agreements she made when she was chosen to represent the State of California.  Again, it is as if people are shocked that such a beautiful girl is not what she “appears” to be.

These are very public reminders for us not to “judge a book by its cover,” but to look into the container, as Rabbi Meir advised.  We need to share examples of this truth with our children so they can experience the gifts of people they might not normally take the time to get to know.  In this way, they may come to recognize that beauty is more than skin deep.

Speaking of skin deep… I hear there is a great deal of controversy about the new Barbie.  Word is, she may have a tattoo.  I guess that’s a topic for another day.

*Pirke Avot is a compilation of ethical teachings and maxims by the Rabbis of the Mishnaic period (1st and 2nd centuries). 

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

To My Child,

I am letting you go to Senior Week, but that doesn’t mean I won’t worry.  I know you want me to start treating you like an adult by giving you some space and some trust.  But I also know that sometimes people your age think that nothing can ever happen to them; they don’t really think about some of the risks they are taking and how the consequences can haunt them forever.  I love you and don’t want to lose you.  I don’t want to be one of those parents who get the nightmare call in the middle of the night from the police, the hospital, or G-d forbid, the morgue.

So, here are my Senior Week Commandments.  Please read them, take them seriously, and come home to me safely.

1. Always have someone with you, even if it’s just a quick walk to the store.  You will probably meet new people, but do not get into cars or go off alone with people you don’t know.

2. Always keep your drink, of any kind, with you.  Don’t ever leave your drink unattended.  If you ever do, get a new one.  Don’t take the chance that while your back is turned, someone may slip something into your drink.

3. If someone you are with “passes out,” do not just leave the person to sleep it off.  Sometimes a black-out or stupor induced by alcohol or another drug can be life threatening.  You may be saving a life if you let someone else know what’s going on.

4. Do not for any reason, take someone else’s prescription medication or mix any medication with
alcohol.  Besides decreasing your ability to make healthy decisions, it could kill you.

5. Drinking alcohol under the age of 21 is illegal.  The police will suspend your license. And, the police will not be fooled by someone drinking beer out of a Pepsi cup. The fine for this offense is $500 plus a court date in the fall. Using a fake ID or altering a real ID can lead to 12 points on a driver’s license (almost enough to have your license revoked). 

6. Make sure your purse, money, iPod, camera or anything valuable is in a safe place in your room.  You can’t keep track of everybody who comes to your room, and not everyone, even people you know, can be trusted.  Also, if you let more than the registered number of people stay in your room, you could be evicted and possibly lose your security deposit.

7. Be safe when going from one place to another.  Don’t take chances crossing those crazy high traffic streets.  The bus is free.  Use it!  If you absolutely must ride in someone’s car, make sure you wear your seatbelt and ABSOLUTELY NEVER get into a car with someone who has been drinking.

8. ABSOLUTELY NEVER go swimming while under the influence of alcohol or any other drug.  Don’t swim alone and don’t swim at night.

9. It is even illegal to ride a bike when you’ve been drinking. You’ll be charged with the same offense (DWI, DUI) as if you were driving a car.

10. If you are 18, the police can charge you as an adult, which means that you will have a criminal record. The police do not call parents to come and get you.

11. People do stupid things when they are “in the moment,” like “hook up” with people they don’t really know or other things that put them at risk for getting hurt.  Think about the consequences of what you’re doing and the possibility that you will have to live with those kinds of regrets for the rest of your life.

12. Please remember to keep in touch with us regularly.  For us, “out of sight is definitely NOT out of mind.”  A brief phone call or text message reassures us that you are okay.

You may be rolling your eyes by now.  I just hope you understand that I want you to have fun, but as your parent, I am going to worry and I want to help you stay safe.  After all, that’s my job!

Love,
Your Parent (who loves you very much)

By Susan Kurlander, M.Ed., and Robin Sweeney, Health Educators, Prevention Education, and
Jacki Ashkin, LCSW-C, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD. 

Acknowledgment to the Ocean City Police Department for some material.

For more information about how to help your child avoid risky behaviors, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/prevention.

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

The tenth anniversary of the Columbine High School tragedy offers a stark reminder to re-examine the issue of bullying in our schools.  Colleen Lippens, a Health Educator with Jewish Community Services, presents prevention education programs for staff, faculty, students, and parents in local schools.  No school is immune from the impact of bullying.  Here are Colleen’s comments on the issue.

It’s all too easy to dismiss bullying as a rite of passage or “normal” kid behavior.  However, the statistics are hard to ignore.  The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center reports that almost 30% of youth in the United States admit either to having been a victim of a bully or to having engaged in bullying behavior.  Bullying can be physical, verbal, or relational (attempting to damage a child’s relationships with others by gossip, rumors, teasing and/or exclusion).  Many negative consequences can result from bullying, including poor concentration, high anxiety and low self-esteem.  The role of victim and its effects often follow the target into adulthood. 

Some schools have instituted anti-bullying campaigns and programs – but do they really work?  Many of the strategies revolve around the bullied child’s standing up for himself.  Why is so much emphasis placed on the victim?  While it is important for the bullied child to act before being a victim becomes a part of his personality, I’d like to look at another person in the bullying dynamic: the bystander. 

The Jewish commandment, “You shall not stand idly by and watch the blood of your neighbor being spilled,” applies to this issue.  Why do kids stand by and watch while their peers are bullied?  Some bystanders seem to enjoy watching bullying from a distance (not unlike reality television), while some don’t get involved for fear of becoming the next victim. 

As a parent, if you know that your child is a bystander witnessing bullying, you have an excellent teaching opportunity.  By encouraging and empowering your children to stand up and do what is right, you are teaching them important values.  What can kids do when they see someone being bullied? They can speak out against the bully!  They can show compassion for the target by making it known that he or she doesn’t deserve to be bullied.  They can include this classmate in their plans or activities.  They can simply walk over and stand with the victim, because in numbers there is safety.  They can encourage the victim to walk away, because a bully can’t bully someone if no one is there. 

Just because bullying has been around since schools were formed doesn’t mean that it’s a normal part of growing up.  If we have any chance of stopping this behavior, it’s going to have to be as a community, by standing up and saying “Enough!”

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

Sleep has become a big business.  Mattress companies compete by promising the best night’s sleep.  Ads for herbal supplements and prescription drugs are promising a safe, restful sleep.  Psychologists are writing books on how to get our children to sleep, and sleep labs are full of people trying to understand why they cannot get a good night’s sleep.

How can something so necessary be so hard to do?  Eating is necessary and I never have a problem with that!  There are nights, however, when I absolutely cannot get to sleep.  It seems that many of our children are having the same problem.  What’s a parent to do?

Keep in mind that you cannot make a child go to sleep.  But you can create an atmosphere conducive to sleep.  Routine is comforting to young children, so a fixed bedtime and bedtime routine are helpful when children are young.  Reading with your children is a great way to help them relax and get to sleep, and it can instill a lifelong love of stories and books. 

Good sleep habits become harder to maintain once children enter middle school and high school.  According to Judith Owens, associate professor of pediatrics at Alpert Medical School of Brown University, “the literature strongly suggests that early to mid-adolescents need 9 to 9.25 hours of sleep a night.”  So, a set bedtime for your 8th grader is as important as it is for your 2nd grader.

The problem arises when there is a big project due, homework needs to be done, baseball practice runs late, and so on. And then there is puberty.  Dr. Owens says that circadian rhythms of sleep change during puberty, and a child’s sleep time and wake time can shift as much as two hours.  That is why many experts (and teenagers) suggest that the high school day should start later. 

In short, it seems as if life and technology conspire to rob all of us of sleep.  So what can we do to help our children get enough sleep?  For younger children it may be as simple as sticking to a consistent routine, dimming the lights, or listening to some soothing music.  Older children present more of a challenge.  It can’t hurt to limit caffeine and try spending some quiet time together at the end of the evening.  Turn off the TV and the computer, get to bed at a reasonable time and maybe, hopefully, get a good night’s sleep.

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

How often do you ask your child a question and hear, “I don’t know” as the response? 

Many parents hear “I don’t know” (IDK) quite often.  Sometimes our questions are conversational, so we accept the IDK.  But there are other times when the answer is important and IDK is not acceptable.  Whether your child is four years old or twenty, there are times when it is reasonable to expect an answer.
What does IDK mean?  Does it mean: I don’t want to talk about it now, I don’t want to give you information, I felt uncomfortable asking my teacher the question, I forgot to ask, I asked and I forgot the answer?

Questions are central to the holiday of Passover, starting with the tradition of the youngest child asking the Four Questions.  The seder gives us an opportunity to teach our children to ask—to question and learn.  What a wonderful teaching tool!  Adults can learn from this approach as well.  Parents can encourage their children to ask questions, while also modeling for them how and when to ask a question.  For example, how many of us have asked a question in anger, or asked a question when our child knows we already know the answer?  How many of us start asking questions as soon as our child walks in the door from school? 

As families gather around the seder table, everyone – from the youngest to the oldest - can participate in asking questions and can engage in discussion.  All of us can learn from this dialogue. 

By Donna Kane, MA, consultant on parenting, child development and adolescent issues, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD, and JCS “Parent Talk” blogger at http://www.jewishtimes.com.

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

Like most people, I heard about the alleged beating of Rihanna and all the gory details.  It was during this time that I learned that Chris Brown is 19 years old.  That got me thinking about teen dating abuse and how important it is to be aware of the warning signs of an abusive relationship.
Early signs of an abusive or controlling relationship are usually isolation and anxiety.  Girls in these relationships often withdraw from friends and avoid social situations.  Eventually a girl may withdraw from her family and spend time exclusively with her boyfriend.  Abusive boyfriends tend to impose social restrictions in an attempt to foster an emotional dependency, and this can make it hard for a girl to leave.  (By the way, I heard Rihanna and Chris had a reunion and might reconcile).
If you believe your child may be in a destructive relationship, trust your intuition and discuss your concerns and observations.  Your daughter may be in denial and think that things will change.  Sheryl Cates, CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline, has reported that there is an 80%  risk or higher that another abusive incident could happen, once an incident like the one between Rihanna and Chris Brown occurs.
Talk to your children before they start dating.  Get to know the people they socialize with.  As with all parenting issues, large and small, keep the lines of communication open.

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

Have you ever gone out for a nice dinner, only to be seated next to a family whose children think your table makes a great base for a game of tag?  If so, were the parents of these children oblivious (or seemingly oblivious), or were they willing to set limits and instruct their children how to act properly?

My parents would have considered this an example of the need to teach a child manners.  Dr. Barbara Howard, an assistant professor of pediatrics at The Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and an expert on behavior and development, believes that yesterday’s manners are today’s social skills.  No matter what you call it, children need to be taught that the feelings of other people matter.

Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, maintains that it is the parents’ job to teach children that their feelings are not the only ones that matter, and that they need to respect other people.  Her approach is to teach children that their feelings belong to them alone and are private, while their behavior is public.  In other words, “I’m not telling you to like going out to dinner, but when you are in a restaurant you cannot play tag when you are finished eating.”

Making eye contact, speaking politely, listening to what others have to say, and learning to say “please” and “thank you” are more than manners; they are skills that help a child become a more successful adult who is able to navigate in social and work situations.  Let’s be honest: no one enjoys being around a child (or for that matter, an adult) who believes the world revolves only around him or her.  Helping your child learn these social graces is a gift that goes a long way.

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

Half of the students raised their hands!

Howard Reznick, Manager of Jewish Community Services’ Prevention Education, reports he and JCS Health Educator Susan Kurlander recently had a sobering experience. 

“We were at one of the local Hebrew day schools presenting a prevention education program on drug awareness for 7th graders,” Howard said. “It was my first time back in a classroom in many years. I noticed how attentive all the students were. Our talk was clearly not just academic to them.

I veered off slightly from our usual focus and asked:

‘Please put your heads down and close your eyes so no one can see if you raise your hand.’ 

‘Now, if you are concerned or worried about either of your parents’ use of drugs or alcohol, please raise your hand.’

Half of the students raised their hands.

Their teachers and I were stunned.

Most of the time we approach these school programs with the mind-set that parents, in general, are worried about their children getting involved with drugs. It dawned on us that we must also support these same children with the courage and information to handle the insecurities that arise from the fear of something bad happening to their parents, due to the parents’ use of mind altering chemicals.

As parents, we have the mistaken notion that what my kids don’t see me do doesn’t affect them.  Based on that same notion, some children may hide from their parents things they do that might not be so healthy. It is truly an unhealthy family situation when parents are hiding their actions from the kids and the kids are hiding from the parents.”

Howard Reznick concludes: “As parents we need to be the open, healthy people that we can be, and that our children need us to be. It is our job to be the parents and for the children to be the kids. We must set and communicate healthy boundaries to them, and we must act as role models for healthy living.”

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

JCS offers addictions treatment, as well as prevention education for children, teens, parents and professionals.  For more information, call 410-466-9200 or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

When you are given lemons, make lemonade, says the old expression.  “That lesson learned long ago has helped me get through the challenges of life, including parenting,” says Karen Nettler, Director of Community Connections at Jewish Community Services.  The meltdown of our economy is a huge challenge we face today.  At the same time, this is an opportunity to teach our children healthy coping skills.  As any parent knows, our children turn to us for cues about how to respond in certain situations.

Difficult to admit, but how often have we sat down with our kids to teach them necessary money lessons?  Are we parents who pride ourselves on giving our children everything they have ever asked for?  Do they carry our credit card for gas and other purchases?  Do we pay their cell phone bills?  If we have been running up the bills on credit cards to buy all those things we “want” and now find ourselves struggling to pay for all those things we need (food, mortgage, tuition, health insurance), what lesson have we taught our kids?  After all, they look to us -like it or not - as role models.  They are more likely to do as we do, and not as we say, because we know very well that our kids have a built-in sensor for the truth.

From a young child’s perspective, using a credit card for each purchase is not much different from using Monopoly money.  Next time you go shopping, tell your child in advance how much money you intend to spend. (There’s that budgeting skill!).  Then bring exactly that amount of cash with you.  You’ll be surprised at how children respond when the real dollars start to disappear in front of their eyes. They start asking, “Do I really need this?  Or, would I rather have that?”  Aha!  Witness the beginning of learning how to prioritize and manage money. 

These skills will not only take children far, but will also help you as a family turn away from focusing on what you don’t have—a basket of lemons—to appreciating what you do have—refreshing lemonade!

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

Do you remember the beer commercial with the dog and the horse that ran repeatedly during last year’s Superbowl?  I loved that ad.  It was so sweet—it made having a beer seem as innocent as having a diet soda.  And that was exactly what that ad was supposed to do, according to my colleagues, Susan Kurlander, M.Ed., and Howard Reznick, LCSW-C, Prevention Education Specialists at Jewish Community Services.

Last year 14 million viewers under age 18 watched the Superbowl; 7 million of them were under age 12, and I’ll bet most of those kids saw that ad at least once during the game.  I’m all for entertaining commercials, but let’s look at that ad critically.  The ad was about a very cute, smart dog helping a sad, lonely horse be a part of the T-E-A-M-  the Budweiser team.  So what the ad was really saying was something like this:  Be a part of the team, be cool, be happy, drink a Bud.  I don’t remember any factual information in the ad about a legal drinking age, drinking and driving, etc.  I just remember the cute dog, the horse, how good the commercial made me feel and more importantly, I remember the product.  My guess is that those viewers ages 18 and under remember pretty much the same thing.

Okay, I’ll stop harping on Budweiser and the ad.  But this year’s Superbowl game will be viewed in millions of homes on February 1, and you can bet there will be other equally entertaining commercials for alcohol.  So can we enjoy the game and the ads, and at the same time help our children think critically about what they are being “sold”?  I think so.  The important thing is to talk about the ads as they appear.  According to the website http://www.medialiteracy.net, children who understand the often subliminal messages the ad agencies employ are more likely to make healthy decisions regarding alcohol use.

I plan on watching the Superbowl and the ads with my family.  My 11-year-old nephew will be glued to the set and there will be a 16, 13, and 8-year-old watching periodically.  We will enjoy the game and discuss the ads.  You can bet that whatever strategy those marketers use to make drinking seem fun and harmless, I’ll be there talking about it with whoever is in the room.

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

The holidays are great, but getting kids to write thank-you notes for the gifts they’ve received can be a struggle.  Should parents require their children to send notes?

Jewish Community Services social worker Joan Grayson Cohen, LCSW-C, agrees that getting your child to write thank-you notes can be a challenge.  But it is worth the effort because you are teaching valuable life lessons, such as being gracious about receiving gifts and valuing the gesture of gift giving.  Writing thank-you notes also teaches children to think beyond themselves and to make the giver feel appreciated.  Taking a little time to express thanks teaches the protocols of civility and consideration, which can be transferred to other situations later in life, such as writing a note after a job interview. 

Here are some approaches to writing thank-you’s that may alleviate the battles; they can even make the process fun. 

• Choose a method appropriate to your child’s age. Younger children who don’t write yet might draw a picture.  They can dictate their thanks and Mom or Dad can write down their words.
What a wonderful opportunity to begin teaching your child to write his or her name!

• For children who can write but for whom writing is difficult or who are resisting, here are some creative ideas to encourage them in the process. Children can:
  -Design their own stationery.
  -Cut out a picture of the gift from a magazine or the box and
    tape it in the note.
  -Draw or paint the gift in the thank-you note.

• Make the task manageable.  Don’t be a perfectionist about grammar and spelling. The thanks is more meaningful when it looks like it comes from the child.  Brief notes are fine.  If a child receives many gifts, space out the notes by writing a few each day.

• Be open to different methods of expressing thanks. Today e-mail is acceptable.

• Give your child positive models by sharing appreciative notes you have received, showing how much the thanks means to the giver.

• Purchase thank-you cards with your child before the holidays. This will set up the expectation that notes will be written for gifts received – another way to minimize the conflict.

Whoever thought writing thank-you notes for holiday gifts could teach so many valuable lessons?  A favorite quote, shared by a friend, says, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”  (Aesop’s Fables)

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

This discussion previously appeared in The Baltimore Sun blog, “Charm City Moms,” at baltimoresun.com, and is used here with permission of The Sun.

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

With recent terrorist attacks affecting both Americans and Jews, how can we assure our children that they are safe in this world?

If the world sometimes seems like a terrifying place for adults, can you imagine what it feels like to our kids?  The recent attacks in India show us that terror is a reality in our lives. We cannot dismiss the deaths and injuries inflicted at the Oberoi and Taj Mahal Palace and Tower hotels in Mumbai as foreign acts that do not affect us at home. Nor can we, as Jews, disconnect from the tragic deaths of Rabbi Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg and others who were killed at the Chabad-Lubavitch Jewish Center in Mumbai. We have now all been touched by the hatred and violence that are manifested around us.

As parents we strive to protect our children from harm.  Young children believe their parents control the world.  Suddenly one day they realize that “things happen” and mommy and daddy can’t fix it.  A personal loss can be devastating, but a terrorist attack on the other side of the world can also make a child feel vulnerable.

What should we tell our children about their own safety? What is appropriate to share and what is “too much information”?  Some of this depends on the child’s age.  Parents need to talk with their children at any age about the kinds of safety issues that affect them. For example, we must teach our younger children not to go with people they don’t know. We must explore with all of our children who they can tell if someone (unknown or known to them) has touched them in an inappropriate way.  Older children should be notified of unsafe situations in their environment such as car-jacking alerts and gang alerts.

With children of any age who have heard news about terrorist attacks, parents need to offer a listening ear to their thoughts and concerns.  Address their fears, tell them you understand their feelings and reassure them that you are there for them.  Monitor the news they are watching and avoid coverage that replays images of violence. 

We cannot guarantee our children’s safety, but we should never underestimate the power parents have to make our children feel safe—just by being available.  In the midst of our busy lives, it is critical to set aside even a little time to check in with our kids each day and renew their sense of security.

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

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