Amy Chua, “Tiger Mom,” has got me thinking about parenting.  For most of us with children, parenting is an everyday job, both a joy and a challenge.  We may deliberately consider how we parent when a specific issue arises, but as a result of Chua’s book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” parents are talking about what effective parenting is and what the goal of parenting should be.  Chua asserts that Chinese parents raise successful children as a result of their strict discipline and uncompromising values.  To be honest, I had never heard of any particular group of parents raising children that are more successful than other groups of people, but I guess that depends on how you define success.

Through the controversy her book has aroused, Chua has helped to identify many important questions that parents may want to consider.  Is the goal of parenting to achieve obedience, as in Chua’s example of not allowing her daughter to eat or use the bathroom until she perfected a piano piece?  Or is the goal of parenting to help children achieve self reliance by guiding them to manage their time and prioritize their responsibilities, and by supporting them as they try to meet their goals?  Does achieving for the sake of achieving , as in Amy Chua’s insistence that her children get all A’s, bring happiness, or just a sense of relief and maybe even resentment?  But if the process is self-directed, with parental support, would it be more meaningful?  Failure seems unacceptable in Chua’s parenting philosophy.  I would suggest that failing can be a valuable lesson in grace, humility, and in learning from your lack of success.

Do we want our children to be respectful out of fear of punishment and humiliation, or do we want our children to be respectful out of genuine admiration and caring?  Do the ends justify the means?  In “Practical Parenting: A Jewish Perspective,” Joan Grayson Cohen, LCSW-C, says that the most significant factors in “positive discipline” are “the individual child’s own unique personality and needs.  Children in the same family may need different kinds of discipline.”*  Chua, on the other hand, believes that all children—regardless of their abilities and temperament—should be treated the same.

I also wonder about the role of the father in Chua’s approach.  Chua said she was fine with being the “mean” parent and her husband being the “fun” parent.  Does it need to come down to a choice of extremes – tiger mother or pussy cat?  This strikes me as very all-or-nothing.  Parenting should be a team effort whenever possible.  Even single parents can aim to communicate and cooperate in their parenting.  What does a child learn from “fun” dad or from having a parent who does not actively help him to grow and achieve, and just escorts him to birthday parties and baseball games?  I am hoping Chua’s husband did play a more influential role in the parenting of their daughters.

Parenting is an adventure.  It cannot be scripted.  Thousands of parenting books have been published that claim to tell people how they can raise a certain type of child.  I have always been skeptical about accepting such strategies.  Children are always changing, and parenting by a script written by an “expert” who does not know you or your child doesn’t make much sense.  Chua asserts that Western parents worry too much about self esteem and being supportive, and that Chinese parents assume their children know their self worth and know they are valued.  It is inconceivable to me that telling your child she is “garbage” (as Chua did to her daughter) can enhance self esteem.  My concern is that people will read her book and give that approach a try.
 
By Donna Kane, LCSW-C, Community Liaison, Access Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

*”Practical Parenting: A Jewish Perspective,” by Gail Josephson Lipsitz with Jewish Family Services social workers.  Hoboken, NJ: KTAV Publishing House, Inc., 1997.

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