Your college student has made it through freshman year and is returning home for the summer.  How are you feeling about this?  If you’re experiencing a mixture of anticipation and anxiety, you’re not alone.  Get ready for some changes and challenges.

College students have become used to living without parental rules and oversight.  They may bristle when parents express their expectations or just assume all the old rules are still in effect.  They may or may not be willing to participate in the life of the family, take on chores, or tolerate parental concern about where they are at midnight.  The concept of “curfew” is now obsolete to them.  Don’t be surprised or hurt if your young adult wants to spend most of his time with old or new friends, or by himself.  He may withdraw from the intensity of family life because it’s so different from the way he has lived for the past nine months. 

Your student will probably return more independent, self-reliant and mature.  In other ways, she may still be caught in the back and forth between being a child and a young adult. The family she returns to will be different, too.  Family relationships have shifted in accommodating to her absence.  A younger sibling has moved into the position of the oldest, enjoying the privileges and responsibilities of that position, and may not be amenable to relinquishing this new status.  Everyone will have expectations—and they may differ widely. 

Like most transitions, this one has the potential to create stress and aggravation.  The good news is that, like all transitions, your college student’s return offers many opportunities.  Here are some tips to ease the way.

• Develop a new relationship with this young adult.  Discover and appreciate all the ways he has grown: intellectually, socially, emotionally.  Take the opportunity to communicate with your child as an adult. 

• Embrace your changing role as a parent.  Acknowledge to yourself that you no longer have the control or influence you once had.  When your children were little, you could make their environment stimulating or safe.  Now that has changed.

• Become a mentor.  You can provide encouragement and guidance to your young adult, listen with empathy and be a sounding board.  You encourage independence and responsibility when you allow your child to choose a course of action and experience the consequences.  If you resist coming to the rescue and allow him to solve his own problems, you demonstrate your confidence and trust.  When you discuss realistic expectations regarding financial responsibility, academics, social relationships and drug and alcohol use in a non-judgmental manner, you share your values without imposing them. 

• Discuss your expectations about behavior and responsibilities, and be prepared to negotiate. If your child is working, he may not expect to take on household chores.  On the other hand, your home is not a hotel, so some contribution seems reasonable – even if it’s just cleaning up his own mess.  Soon after your child returns, express your wishes about these matters and others, such as joining some family meals, being home by a certain time or calling if plans change.  Listen to your child’s wishes, and then agree on an arrangement that works for both of you.  If, after a few weeks, it’s not working out, re-visit and re-negotiate. 

The summer challenge is to find a balance between the needs and desires of each individual and the needs of the family.  When conflicts arise, they are best addressed with careful listening, respectful communication and a readiness to compromise. 

College age children are growing toward independence and maturity.  Like their parents, they may have mixed feelings about so much change.  Your children need to experience your love, respect, encouragement, and reassurance that growth and change, while sometimes unsettling, are also quite wonderful.

By Liz Schoen, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Howard County Office

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200.  Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.