FEATURED JOBS
What’s one thing that just about all parents have in common? Worrying about their children! This is something parents do, across every socio-economic class, ethnic and religious group and school district. Some parents worry about their children’s behavior, but may be afraid to talk about it because of shame, fear of being blamed, family loyalty, or simply not knowing whom to consult. Other parents joke about psychiatric illness and adolescence being the same thing.
As children we remember feeling as if our parents had all the power. We wondered why they got to make all the decisions, when quite frankly, sometimes their reasoning seemed loose or inconsistent. Now that we are parents, we wonder where all that power and certainty went. We question whether there has been some genetic “skip a generation” occurrence. As parents we are not feeling so powerful. This is not at all how we imagined this role when we were kids, no sirree.
How do we know what comes first – understanding or taking action? When is the right time to discipline? Often we have to size up a situation quickly and respond based on how things look to us right at that moment. Clarity in raising children comes and goes. For example, we repeatedly explain to our kids how alcohol and drugs ruin lives and interfere with good decisions. We want them to know that abstinence is not just our family’s rule, but the law. We explain all of the bad, really bad possibilities that can happen if they make the wrong decision. We want them to know that their actions will have consequences at home. But we also tell them that if they find themselves in a difficult spot, no matter what they’re doing, no matter who they’re with, no matter what substances are around, to call, call, call. Most importantly, we want to keep the lines of communication open.
Clarity is no easier when dealing with younger children. A full blown temper tantrum – as if a child has seen a burglar rampaging through the living room - can immediately liquefy the innards of any solid parent. Our instincts might tell us to handle this behavior very differently than when a child is slumped on the couch, withdrawn from family and friends. But behaviors are not always what they seem. One child with depression might appear sad and withdrawn, while another might appear impatient, irritable and full of rage. These two different manifestations of depression may require similar treatment.
While certain patterns or themes repeat in families, each situation is unique, depending on the characters and circumstances in each particular family. Action and understanding go together, but the certainty about just when to do what will continue to ebb and flow.
As with all difficulties, we can keep the family drama to a manageable level by reaching out to others for support and perspective. Discussion can also help us figure out when certain conflicts call for particular expertise. Trusted friends, other parents, therapists, school counselors, clergy and physicians are all valuable resources who can help us sort out some of the perplexities of parenting. The goal is to worry less, handle the challenges effectively, and enjoy our children more.
By Lynn Feldman, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services
National Childhood Depression Awareness Day is May 6. For more information about childhood depression, click here.
Questions about parenting? Send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200. Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.
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