FEATURED JOBS
Hormones are raging.
My identity is a mystery.
I need something nice to wear.
An adolescent describing adolescence
Take the above quote, throw in some anger, intense mood swings, grandiosity, a ravenous appetite and wanting to run in a pack of friends, and you begin to get the adolescence picture. Common knowledge says that teens are a difficult group to manage. It’s not until your own child treats you with disdain one minute, and with disrespect the next, that whatever you thought you understood about teens turns to mush. That age is understandable, even humorous, when it’s someone else’s kid. No parent gets through without questioning, “Is this behavior out of the normal range?” Anna Freud’s take on this was: “To be normal during the adolescent period is by itself abnormal.”
It helps when other parents fess up that their perfect looking child gives it to them behind closed doors, too. Parents learn to appreciate the good, connected times, and the apologies acknowledging bad behavior, knowing all the while that the teen’s angry alter personality will be resurfacing some time soon. Parents, you know the drill: choose your battles, allow for independence when possible, be patient, remain calm, and armor up so you don’t allow your own esteem to take a beating.
On the other hand, simmering problems that have been hanging around for a while tend to flame up in adolescence. Symptoms just under the radar often scream out at around age 12 when the pituitary gland shoots a cocktail of hormones into the body. This is a time when behaviors have the potential to become more excessive. For example, a child who frequently needed to make sure the drawer was closed or the pencils were in the case might need to check so much now that her frustration starts to take a toll. Or a child who had leanings toward feeling not good enough in the world might begin to feel that way most of the time, so much that it affects his activities and social relationships. This is often the time when parents have an “ah ha” moment. Maybe they never gave the behavior much thought, or hoped that whatever was troubling would go away as the child aged, rather than get worse. The parent now acknowledges or realizes for the first time that a behavior has always been there, but it just has not interfered in life as much as it does now.
How do you know when your child’s behavior is beyond the “normal” range? Some signs that your child urgently needs professional help are:
• Suicidal thoughts
• Talking about suicide
• Cutting one’s own skin
• Binging and purging
• Starving oneself because of feeling fat
Other signs that help is needed include:
• Feeling bad about oneself most of the time
• Constant or excessive worry
• Constant washing, grooming, checking
• An abrupt drop in grades
• Excessive aggression
• Isolation
In sum, if your teen is engaging in any behavior that seems excessive, odd, or out of control, don’t ignore it or tell yourself, “It’s probably just a stage of adolescence and it will pass.” You know your child best, so trust your instincts. If you are feeling uneasy or concerned about the changes in your child, seek help, whether it is therapy from Jewish Community Services professionals or other mental health practitioners, your family physician, or other adults who know your child.
Taking that step can be intimidating. Parents might be afraid that others will think they are weak for needing help or feel ashamed to admit that their child isn’t perfect. But the truth is life today is complicated, and there is no shame in needing some helpful guidance when you feel that you may not have all the answers. In fact, it is one of the most courageous and loving things you, as a parent, can do. By addressing any issues now, you’ll be helping your teen navigate the difficult waters of adolescence, and also laying the foundation for a healthy adult life.
By Lynn Feldman, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services
Questions about parenting? Send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200. Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.
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