One of our most important jobs as parents is caring for our children’s physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.  The world today often doesn’t feel very safe.  We walk a fine line between instilling excessive fear in our children and imparting a healthy sense of caution to them.  What we want is to build our kids’ self-confidence so that eventually they’ll be able to take care of themselves.  Along the way, they need to know we are here to listen, guide, and support them.

When it comes to personal safety, age three is not too young to begin prevention education about “good touch” and “bad touch.”  As children grow, we should renew this conversation annually, in a clear and calm way, making age-appropriate adjustments as their maturity and understanding grow.  We need to do this just as we would discuss any other safety hazard. 

For example, we can tell our three-year-olds that nobody should ever touch them in the areas that are covered by a bathing suit.  The only exceptions would be a parent or a doctor, who may need to check those areas for health reasons.  If anyone else wants to touch them there, they should say “no,” even if that person is a family member or babysitter.  If anyone touches them in a way that doesn’t feel right, they can ask the person to stop, try to get away as fast as they can, and tell you about it afterwards.

At age four, we can add that neighbors and family friends should not touch their private parts, either, and no one should touch any part of their body in any way that doesn’t feel right.  If a touch feels strange or scary to them, or they’re not sure if it’s wrong or right, they need to come and ask us about it. 

At whatever age we feel is appropriate, we can add that nobody should ask them to touch or look at their private parts.  We can ask, “What if someone wanted to touch you or asked you to touch them, and said to keep it a secret?”  Secrets like these are bad and dangerous, and they need to tell us. 
 
Sometimes a person will treat a child nicely for a while, by giving extra attention, treats or gifts.  It can be very confusing to children if such a person gradually or suddenly starts acting in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Children may feel they should go along with what the person is doing or asking, but they need to say “no” to any inappropriate touching. 

Each year, when we have this conversation with our children, here are some common themes to emphasize:

• If they are confused about any situation involving touching, they need to tell us about it.
• If something disturbing or frightening has happened to them, it was not their fault.
• If they didn’t tell us right away, they can still tell us about it.  Holding on to confusing feelings for a long time isn’t good for them.  Telling someone they trust about what happened brings great relief.  If they don’t feel they can share this with a parent, we can help them find an appropriate professional to tell.  It is up to us, as adults, to listen and take action to stop the abuse. 

And here are some tips for these conversations:

• To be sure a conversation happens, try to schedule this talk at a regular time annually, perhaps around your child’s birthday or a holiday.  However, if a “teachable moment” occurs, such as a TV show or movie, use that opportunity to open the conversation.  If it’s hard for you to bring up this subject, there are many good books you can use with your child to guide the conversation.* 
• Too much information is overwhelming to a young child, so keep the discussion short and simple.
• Encourage your child to ask questions, no matter how silly they may seem. 
• Listen for what your child is really asking, and answer in a way appropriate for his/her developmental level.  If you don’t have time or a good answer right then, promise to come back to it, and do so as soon as possible.

Just as we take our children annually to the pediatrician, so we need to have a yearly personal safety check-up.  It is our responsibility both to protect them and to teach them to protect themselves.

*Resource for parents: “Playing It Safe With Your Child: Eli and Ellie Learn About Safety,” by Joan Grayson Cohen, Esq., LCSW-C, available through Jewish Community Services, 410-466-9200

By Bracha Goetz, MA, Volunteer Coordinator, Jewish Big Brother Big Sister Program, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200.  Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.