Are you avoiding having “The Talk” with your children? Usually the things we avoid doing and procrastinate about just grow bigger and bigger—-as does our anxiety. Those anxious feelings and avoiding behaviors just feed on each other.  And during that feeding frenzy, they also gnaw away at our self-confidence.  No wonder you may be putting off having that talk.

Maybe you’ve had similar experiences with anxiety and self-doubt at other times in your life.  Have you noticed how murky our thinking gets when we are in that swirling mess?  If we get stuck thinking that teaching about intimacy and sexuality is just about getting up the nerve to have “The Talk,” then we need to think again—- more clearly! What other things have you taught your children or communicated to a loved one that took a single talk?

Did we communicate the following only once?  “All right, my little new-born, from here on, you sleep through the night.” ….. “Jonny, Daddy and I expect you to make your bed and keep your room clean. Got it?”  Would hearing “I love you” once in your life be enough? Anything important that we hope to impart to our children takes more than one discussion.  As parents, we create environments full of the values that we want to instill in our children.  We communicate these values through reassurance and repetition.

We should approach teaching our values about intimacy, self-respect and sexuality in the same way.  We “talk the talk and walk the walk” by living these values ourselves, and by using every teachable moment that comes our way. Such teaching also needs to occur over time because a child’s needs, concerns and ability to understand change at each stage of development.  So the same message needs to be formatted into the appropriate terms to meet the needs of each age.

I believe that crystallizing that message down to its essence is critical.  We can then re-construct it and determine how to word it for various occasions.  What are we trying to teach our children about their own worth and the complexities of human relationships?  What do you remember from your own parents’ attempts to convey such information?  What was their message?

If fear or disapproval is the message that parents give about sexuality, children may interpret that to be a message about themselves or their worth.  Perhaps they receive a message that they, their bodies, or their feelings and thoughts are not worthy of respect. Sending a child into the world carrying that feeling about him or herself is the opposite of empowering.  And fears of sexuality may be amplified into fears of being emotionally close to others.

A child or young person needs to feel self-worth and to be self-respecting in order to make good choices in life.  This holds true for choices around intimacy and sexuality, too.  So before you have any talk with your child about sexuality and all the connected issues and values (privacy, safety, self-respect, individual worth, emotional intimacy, appropriate boundaries with others), think about your message.  Parenting magazines and books are full of advice on the specifics of teaching about relationships and sexuality, and that information is very helpful.  But also think carefully about the essence of the message within the words:

• What do you want to teach your child about her worth as an emotional, spiritual and physical being? 
• What do you want to teach him about his own essence? 
• What is your message about our need and joy in connecting with other people?
• What will you teach about love?

Then, take a deep breath… and love and educate your child every day!

By Karen James, LCSW-C, Manager, Adult Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200.  Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.