FEATURED JOBS
A Mother’s Perspective
They say she will be the perfect Princess. Bright, attractive, poised, independent, to name just a few of her characteristics. Recently when a writer tried to find out “dirt” about her, he could find nothing. It seems that 28-year-old Kate Middleton—or Catherine, as she will now be called when she marries Prince William—is everything you would want your daughter to be. So how did her mother raise such a wonderful woman? What does a young girl need to become a well rounded, respected and happy adult woman?
This topic has intrigued me and has come up in many discussions with my three daughters, as I have seen them growing up to become young women. Each has her own perspective on a woman’s place in the world. I’d like to share my perspective as a Mom, and have invited my eldest daughter to share hers, at an important turning point in her life, when she is about to graduate from college. You can read my daughter’s reflections below.
One could begin with having a good role model – a mother who is a caring, loving person and a contributing member of society. Our daughters are watching us, whether or not we and they realize it. The old adage that “children do what we do and not what we say” has been proven again and again to be true. For example, if we speak to others rudely or without respect in front of our children, they too will feel justified in treating their peers – and maybe even their parents - in this way.
Having raised daughters, I hope to have instilled in them five main attributes: to love themselves, to be confident, to be kind and loving, to contribute to the world and to find their passion to pursue in life.
As girls develop from teens to adulthood, they do question who they are and what they look like. They may not always feel so good about themselves or even confident about their appearance. During these awkward and questioning stages we parents can normalize these feelings as part of growing up. I’ve tried to teach my daughters the importance of the beauty inside of us and of determining our own opinions and value system. One of the best ways to do this is to have a clear understanding, as mothers and women, of how we feel about ourselves and what our own values are.
When fathers and mothers treat their daughters with kindness, they will learn to be kind and loving people who will pass these qualities on. As John Mayer sings in his song “Daughters”:
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too.
Expressing caring and love to other family members, members of the community and even strangers by doing good deeds is essential in fostering these characteristics in our daughters.
A fulfilled person not only has the ability and motivation to contribute to society, but also to pursue her own passions. As our daughters go through the school years, we can expose them to many diverse experiences which will allow them to discover what excites and stimulates them. Extracurricular experiences such as sports, dance, art, music, and community service help a child learn where her skills lie, as well as how to engage in meaningful connections with others. This is good preparation for choosing a college major, a career and/or volunteer opportunities as an adult.
Sometimes as mothers we underestimate the impact we have on guiding our daughters to become wonderful young women. Embrace the experience from the time they are little, and enjoy watching them grow into interesting and fulfilled women.
Now, here are my daughter’s thoughts.
A Daughter’s Perspective
What does a young girl need to become a well-rounded, respected and happy adult woman?
When my mother invited me to share my perspective on this question, the first thing that came to mind was: “Am I really qualified to answer this?” As a second semester senior at Penn State, I refuse to even think about considering myself an adult woman. But unfortunately, in reality, I am on the brink of having to own that title, as I am graduating in May.
But then my mind raced to my beginnings here at Penn State and I remembered how I even got here in the first place. That was probably due to all the love and support I got as a young girl from my parents.
It probably sounds really cliché to believe that’s all I needed from my parents, but it’s true. Their love and support have allowed me always to do what I wanted to do and be the person I wanted to be.
I think the trick for me was that my parents always loved me for the kind of kid I was. As the older sister to a set of twins, I was sort of naturally the odd one out. I liked to be independent and do my own things. I was quiet and enjoyed reading and drawing, and being left alone to do so. My parents never infringed on these desires of mine.
My parents also always treated each of their children as her own person and never a unit of sisters. I never had to be in the same after school clubs as my sisters and our parents didn’t make us go to the same summer camps. At one point, we didn’t even go to the same schools. No matter what my sisters and I decided, our parents always embraced our choices.
The first big choice that I made on my own was to switch schools. In 6th grade, I was attending a private school and I wanted to change to a public one. I had been in private school all my life and this was a big decision for a 12-year-old to make. My parents took me seriously and supported my choice. They let me see for myself whether or not this was the right choice for me—and it was.
Though that was the right choice for me, I have certainly made mistakes, too. Luckily for me, in a way, my parents let me make these mistakes. Adults typically know better than their children, but my parents let me find out things on my own. They always instilled in me certain values and principles, but of course, as a teenager, I tested those beliefs. Regardless, my parents were always there to catch me when I fell and still supported me – but with tough love. When I made mistakes, I actually learned my lesson.
I think that this love and support have really allowed me to transform from a young girl to a well-rounded, respected, and happy adult woman. Though I am a little scared to graduate and start my own life, I know that my parents will be there to support and love me, just as they always have through all these years.
Beyond that, in these next steps in my life, each of my parents has given me a good role model to look up to. My Mom and Dad are smart, hardworking, caring, and kind people, and they are people that I hope to be like one day.
By Joan Grayson Cohen, LCSW-C, Esq., Senior Manager, Access Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD, and Samantha Cohen
Questions about parenting? Send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200. Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.
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