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Summer’s coming to an end. The days are shorter and the nights are getting cooler. September is just around the corner. You’ve already bought your children all their school supplies, and they’re getting excited!
As you’re helping your fourth grade daughter, Susie, try on clothes to see what still fits, suddenly she blurts out that a child on the playground last year asked her: “Are you REALLY adopted??” You realize that Susie’s getting nervous about returning to school.
In fact, lots of children feel anxious about going back to school, for various reasons. However, adopted children face some special issues. Often people ask them questions that feel intrusive. These questions may come from ignorance or curiosity, but sometimes other kids are just trying to learn and understand.
Like most kids, adopted children don’t like feeling different. How can parents help their children develop confidence and be prepared to handle questions like the one Susie got, with relative ease? Is there anything her friends and her friends’ parents can do? How can teachers help?
Here are some suggestions:
• Let your child know that she has a choice as to whether, and how, she will answer questions.
• Role play with your child. The more comfortable he can be in responding to questions from other kids, the easier it will be for him (and for his friends). For example:
Q: “Is that your real mom? You don’t look alike.”
Possible answers:
a. Yes. She wasn’t my first mom, but she adopted me and she’s my real mom now.
b. Why are you asking?
c. Lots of moms and daughters don’t look alike.
d. Yes, a real mom is the person who takes care of you.
Some adopted children become very creative in responding to inquiries, finding ways to deflect a question or using their sense of humor to respond. For example, when one child who looked different from his parents was asked by another, “What color are you?”, he responded, “Some days I’m blue, but today I’m purple.”
• Use positive adoption language, and share articles with teachers, parents and friends about adoption and how to discuss it.
a. Adoption is another way of building a family. Children can come into a family by birth or adoption, but all children are “natural.”
b. “Susie was adopted” (referring to the way in which she arrived in her family).
c. “Birthparent, birthmother, birthfather” are terms describing the man and woman who conceived and gave birth to a child.
d. Susie’s birthmother “made an adoption plan” (not “gave her up” or
“relinquished” her).
• Review the pros and cons of disclosing your child’s adoptive status with his or her teacher. If you decide to be proactive, meet with or write the teacher at the beginning of the school year. Share articles and books, volunteer to meet with the class, think with the teacher ahead of time about how to handle exercises like the family tree.
Adopted children and their parents are frequently thrust into the role of being informal educators. Sometimes this happens when you are together, and other times it occurs when the child is out on his own. Encourage your child to tell you about her experiences. Listen, be supportive, and share strategies, responses, and even some laughs with each other. All this will build a strong family foundation and bolster your child’s confidence to navigate more comfortably at school and in the world at large.
By Myra Hettleman, LCSW-C, Adoption Specialist, Jewish Community Services Therapy Services
Questions about parenting? Send an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200. Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.
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