High school proms are over, seniors have graduated, and graduation parties are in full swing.  A friend of mine heard that a child we have known for years was seen drinking heavily at a graduation party.  She asked me my thoughts about her going to the child’s mom and talking with her.  I presented this dilemma to JCS Prevention Education experts Howard Reznick and Susan Kurlander.  Here is their response.

“It’s hard to be the messenger of unpleasant information, especially when it involves another child. The risks we take when we do this are numerous; an angry reaction from the other child’s parents, and our child being talked about or possibly losing a friendship are just two potential ramifications.  The only reward we may get—and it’s a critical one—is that we may be saving a life.

Supposing that you find out that your child’s friend is drinking or using drugs. Maybe it’s just one incident, or maybe it’s a pattern.  The information you have may be part of a larger picture that could be of concern and value to that child’s parent. 

Once you decide to share the information you have, how do you accomplish this?  One way of telling the parent(s) is to ask: “If your child were engaging in behavior that might be harmful to him/her and I knew about it, would you want me to tell you?” Most parents would readily say “yes” to that question.  You can then connect their answer to what you’re about to say.

Be as specific as possible in what you choose to say.  In your first few sentences, give the who, what, where, when information that you have, because the parents may not hear much else of what you have to say after that.  Whether it’s anger, denial, panic or concern, the parents’ reaction is likely to be an emotional one.

No one wants to be a “snitch.” Sometimes, though, we have to be “the parents” and do the right thing.  This doesn’t make us the most popular person at the time, but in the long run it can win us respect – self respect - and the knowledge that we have had the courage possibly to save a life.

Whatever the parents’ reaction, it might be helpful to suggest resource options such as what the child’s school or Jewish Community Services has to offer. By ending the conversation this way, the information you are sharing might be less overwhelming.  Your speaking out could lead to constructive responses, which may ultimately lead to needed help.  For more information, check out http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/prevention.”

Thanks to Howard Reznick, LCSW-C, Senior Manager, and Susan Kurlander, M.Ed., Health Educator, both with Prevention Education Services,  Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

In the classic Jewish text, Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers)*, Rabbi Meir advises: ”Do not look at the jug but what is in it.”  A recent example of this wisdom is Miss Susan Boyle.  The YouTube video of this woman on “Britain’s Got Talent” was amazing.  To be honest, I thought it was staged until she started to sing.  People in the audience were hissing when Susan Boyle came out, and she was clearly not comfortable performing.  Then she opened her mouth and sang, “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables and you know the rest.  Millions of people have seen the video on YouTube.  Here was this ordinary woman with an extraordinary voice.  Her voice alone is enough to garner the praise and attention she is receiving.  But her appearance seemed to make her audition more of an event—almost as if it is surprising that a plain, ordinary woman would have such a beautiful voice. 

Another recent example of Rabbi Meir’s wisdom can be found in the Miss USA pageant.  Carrie Prejean, Miss California, is the runner-up for Miss USA.  She is as different from Susan Boyle as two women can be.  Miss Prejean could have been the prototype for Barbie, the Mattel doll that made looks and popularity synonymous with happiness.  I did not watch the pageant, but I saw plenty of clips of her declaring she believed in “opposite marriage”.  Now, I do not think we need a Miss America but, heck, if we are going to have one, I’d like her to be thoughtful and articulate.  To say nothing of the revelation that this young lady has had plastic surgery, posed semi-nude, and has pretty much reneged on all the agreements she made when she was chosen to represent the State of California.  Again, it is as if people are shocked that such a beautiful girl is not what she “appears” to be.

These are very public reminders for us not to “judge a book by its cover,” but to look into the container, as Rabbi Meir advised.  We need to share examples of this truth with our children so they can experience the gifts of people they might not normally take the time to get to know.  In this way, they may come to recognize that beauty is more than skin deep.

Speaking of skin deep… I hear there is a great deal of controversy about the new Barbie.  Word is, she may have a tattoo.  I guess that’s a topic for another day.

*Pirke Avot is a compilation of ethical teachings and maxims by the Rabbis of the Mishnaic period (1st and 2nd centuries). 

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.