Every now and then, juggling work, parenting, and family responsibilities causes me to disconnect from the simple pleasures that help me feel closer to my family.  Cooking a meal, playing a board game, even going for a walk together can bring a family closer.  Volunteering for community service projects is another way to strengthen family ties.

There are many reasons for a family to volunteer.  Community service strengthens our community, and when the community is healthy, it benefits us as individuals as well.  Then there are the satisfaction and pride that come from helping others.  Putting the needs of others before your own feels good.  Another benefit of community service is that it can strengthen your family.  Committing your time and effort to an organization or cause of your choice can result in a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

If you are thinking that in a perfect world this sounds great, but not exactly doable when it’s almost impossible to have any down time after work and family commitments, I suggest downsizing—thinking smaller.  Select one or two projects to do each year.  A community clean-up in the spring, serving Christmas dinner at a homeless shelter, or making gift baskets for nursing home residents are just some activities that do not require a weekly commitment, but still help to make someone’s world a bit brighter.

Volunteering as a family can help children continue a commitment to community service as adults.  It becomes a part of their everyday life and experiences.  Since children can meet people from many different backgrounds while volunteering, this is also a good way for them to learn tolerance - another benefit both to the community and to the family. 

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

For volunteer opportunities at JCS, please call 410-466-9200 or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/Volunteer.

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

Do you have a family member who is seriously ill, or does your child have a friend who is ill?  As difficult as it can be for adults to deal with this, often it is just as hard for children.  Deciding what to say to the person who is ill can be difficult, but our tendency to avoid that conversation may make the situation more uncomfortable.  It may be better for adults to handle some situations differently from how a child would, but in the case of a sick friend or family member, the ways to show concern and offer support are pretty much the same.

Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, believes that the “greatest gift you can give your seriously ill friend is the gift of your presence.”  If you live nearby, visiting throughout the course of an illness is the best way to let a friend or relative know you care and are there for him or her.  It doesn’t need to be said; your actions will speak volumes. 

Be a good listener if your friend wants to talk about her illness, but don’t feel as though she must discuss this with you.  For both children and adults, it is important not to worry so much about how to respond, but just actively listen.  Giving a hug or holding the person’s hand may be enough of a response.

It is important to know your own limitations and those of your child.  If you feel that you or your child cannot handle the situation, try to think about things you can do to show your support without being physically present.  You can also do this if the person who is ill is not able or prefers not to have visitors.  Call rather than visit.  Send cards, emails, and maybe even a letter.  The worst thing you can do is avoid the person altogether because avoidance can cause people suffering with a serious illness to feel abandoned. 

Your friend or family member may need you now more than ever.  Do whatever you can to be a caring friend, and encourage and support your children in doing the same.

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

Teenagers’ use of cell phones, both for conversing and texting, continues to be a concern for parents, especially parents of teenage drivers.  The data about the dangers of phone use while driving is compelling. AAA and “Seventeen” magazine surveyed 17-year-old drivers and found that 61% of teens admitted to risky driving behaviors and 46% said they text while driving. William Van Tassel, Ph.D., manager of AAA Driver Training, reports that “Motor vehicle crashes are the number one killer of teens, claiming more than 6,000 15- to 20-year-olds each year.” 

Fortunately, now the Maryland General Assembly, as well as legislatures in other states, has recognized the dangers and passed a bill prohibiting texting while operating a motor vehicle.  The Delegate John Arnick Electronic Communications Traffic Safety Act went into effect on October 1.  Violators are guilty of a misdemeanor and subject to a fine up to $500. 

This new law is a good start, but it has a long way to go before it protects teenage drivers and others on the road.  Talking on a cell phone and reading text messages while driving are still permitted, and other states have found that laws banning cell phone use while driving have been difficult to enforce.

Common Sense Media, a non-profit agency that lobbies for safer media use, points out the necessity for parents, as well as all adults, to set an example of safe driving behavior.  This really needs no explanation or justification.  How many times have you driven by someone talking on a cell phone while driving?  I see drivers drifting into another lane, swerving or turning a corner with one hand.  How is it possible to give your full attention to safe driving when you are talking on the phone?  This behavior has become so prevalent that it is hard to impress upon teenagers just how dangerous it can be.  Recently Rabbi Moshe Hauer wrote an essay called “Wireless Teshuva” in the “Jewish Times,” challenging all of us – as difficult as it may be - to change our driving habits.  So moms and dads, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, please raise the bar, and put those phones down when you are driving.

There are some ways to block car phone use, but they have yet to be perfected. The National Safety Commission reports:

“For $10 a month, Dallas-based WQN Inc. sells software that disables a cell phone while its owner is driving. It employs GPS technology, which can deduce how fast someone is traveling. But it can’t tell if that person is driving, so it can lock a passenger’s phone. WQN, which offers cell phone and Internet security software under the name WebSafety, says about 50 customers signed up during its first month of service.

The Canada-based software company Aegis Mobility is releasing DriveAssistT, a similar Global Positioning System-based product this fall. The company’s vice president, David Teater, said that Aegis is in talks with big U.S. wireless phone carriers, who would support the software and charge families a fee in the vicinity of $10 to $20 a month. The DriveAssistT system disables a phone at driving speeds and will automatically send a message informing callers or texters that the person they are trying to reach is busy driving and unable to answer the phone. But the system will also disable the phone of a non-driving passenger.”

These new products may be an option for some parents.  For other parents, modeling safe driving, discussing the dangers, expressing concern and following through on consequences may be the best deterrents to prevent their teens from using cell phone while driving.

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.
 

Well, summer is a distant memory we are back to the school day routine.  Casual barbeques and picnics at the pool during the week will have to wait for next summer.  Re-adjusting to the structure of the school year is always difficult for me.  With my household up and buzzing at 6:00 a.m., throwing chicken on the grill at 7:30 p.m. is not an option, and dinner becomes more of a chore than a pleasure. 

With this in mind, I would like to share an essay by my colleague, Susan Kurlander, Health Educator with Jewish Community Services’ Prevention Education program.  This piece put getting dinner ready during the hectic school year in a whole new light for me.  I hope that, after you read it, making dinner will seem more appealing to you as well. It’s called What Your Kids Really Want at the Dinner Table is YOU!

Research has consistently found that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use other drugs.

According to CASA (the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University), the importance of eating dinner with your kids cannot be overestimated.  A 2006 CASA survey concluded that “the average risky score of teens having dinner with their family less than three nights in a typical week is 75% greater than that of teens having dinner as a family five to seven nights a week.”  As an antidote to that overwhelming statistic, CASA has instituted a yearly “Family Day – A Day to Eat Dinner with your Children.”  Through national observance of this day, CASA hopes to raise awareness among parents that they possess powerful tools to keep their children substance-free. 

This year, the national observance of “Family Day” coincides with the completion of Yom Kippur.  The tradition of “Break Fast” has always encouraged families to share this important meal together.  So how about extending the significance of “Family Day” throughout the holiday season, as well as into the rest of the year!

Since the destruction of the Second Temple almost 2,000 years ago, Jews have deemed the traditional family table the focal point of family and spiritual strength.  We can now add yet another critical reason for sharing Shabbat and holiday meals, as we recognize that dinner time is a valuable opportunity and tool to help guide our children to make choices that will keep them safe and healthy.

For many of us, given our crowded schedules, the goal of eating dinner with our families five to seven nights a week is unrealistic.  But if we can strive for sharing family meals a few times each week, we are investing in the total well-being of our children and our families. 

Visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/prevention for helpful resources for families.  For more information about Family Day, visit http://www.CASAFamilyDay.org.

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

I am feeling more like an ATM than a mom these days.  It’s time for school supplies, school clothes, a haircut, activity fees.  Seems like all I’ve been doing is schlepping here and there for my son to get what he needs to go to a place he’d rather not be at. Oy Vay.

To make matters even more expensive, we have to buy art supplies.  Art supplies are consumable and we spend hundreds of dollars a year on them.  Why do I do this?  In my mind’s eye, the paints are there, the canvas is there, the assignment is due and my child is pacing back and forth in a panic because he cannot think of a topic for his assignment.  I know I’m projecting as the school year has just begun, but if history repeats itself, I will be in this position shortly.  Worse, it usually occurs late at night after I have worked all day and really, really want to go to sleep.

While steeling myself for another year of “artistic agony,” I read with interest a recent article by Carol Sorgen in “The Beacon” (August 2009).  The article was about Debbie Phelps and how she has maintained her passion for education while supporting her son Michael’s passion for swimming.  She candidly discusses the highs and lows of supporting Michael in his quest for success.  The Beijing Olympics were definitely a high point.  In fact, I remember being as excited for her as I was for her son.  Michael’s well publicized marijuana incident was clearly a low point, but she has always maintained her loving, supportive relationship with her son.

Sorgen’s article helped me to remember why I spend that money on back to school “everything” and why I will stay up with my child when he has “painter’s block.”  I will be there for my child even if that means feeling more like an ATM than a mom at times.  My guess is that I am not alone in feeling as if all I’m doing right now is spending money when I really need to be saving as much as I can.  Love encompasses so much, and our support for our children can be emotional, physical, and yes - within limits - even financial.

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services, an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

“As you run into your favorite retail store to grab a bottle of sunscreen for the beach, you stop dead in your tracks.  The outdoor summer displays have been replaced by school supply bins - and even fall decorations.  Glancing at your phone, you realize that it is still August and you do have a little time left before the yellow buses start rolling again.  The problem is, your heart has already stopped beating and your head is spinning.”  This is how my colleague, Colleen Brady Lippens, Health Educator with JCS Prevention Education, describes the jolt we parents get as back-to-school stress sets in.  She continues:
“Some parents greet the familiar buzz of back-to-school preparations with excited anticipation, while others would rather have a root canal.  Children also often experience mixed emotions and some stress as September looms. 

In addition to the logistics of school supplies, class schedules, daily routines, and homework assignments, students are faced with other anxieties.  According to psychiatrist and author Gail Saltz, M.D., kids face different kinds of stress according to their age group.  Pre-K through Grade School children may struggle with separation anxiety, learning and social issues.  The stress often felt by middle school kids includes bullying, cliques, peer pressure, changing academic pressures, and changes in their bodies. 

How can we best teach our kids to deal with these pressures?  The first thing we can do is reduce our own stress.  Our children follow our lead.  When facing the back-to-school stress, remember that most of these issues are temporary. 

Here are some stress-reducing suggestions:

1.  Breathe.  We really do tend to hold our breath.  In the midst of a stressful thought or activity, try breathing in to the count of 4, filling your lungs, and then slowly exhale (both times through the nose) to the count of 8.  This will calm you down almost immediately.

2.  Get organized.  Make a to-do list.  Take an inventory of what you have and what you need.  Keep a copy of the school supply lists in your car.  Checking off items will give you a sense of accomplishment.   

3.  Be prepared.  Don’t wait until the last minute to get school supplies, books, clothes, haircuts, and medical exams.  Let your kids participate in the shopping expeditions and choose notebooks, pencils and pens, etc. that suit their taste, within your budget.

4.  Keep it simple.  Don’t overcomplicate things.  If you are getting paperwork from school, read through the information and put important dates on the family calendar. 

5.  Practice your new night and morning routines.  Have your children gradually transition to an earlier bedtime and start getting up earlier.  If it’s hard, try laying out clothes and making lunch (inviting your kids to try out new menu ideas) the night before. 

6.  Encourage your children to talk about their hopes and fears for the coming year.

7.  Let go of expectations.  Whenever we have expectations of how things are going to turn out or how people should or will behave, we set ourselves up for disappointment.  Instead, go with the feeling of expectancy.  It’s more of a feeling of anticipation and a willingness to go with the flow.

You might even want to create an end-of-summer family activity, such as picnicking in a nearby park, picking fruit together at a farm, seeing a movie, inviting friends over for a BBQ, or just roasting marshmallows together and looking up at the stars in the back yard. Then, take a deep breath and you’ll be ready for a new school year. 

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

I don’t know which gives me more goose bumps—the day you went off to pre-school the first time, when I felt such a strong combination of love and worry, or now that you are headed off to college. I am so proud of how you have grown during these past years. 

I am writing this letter because I care about you and what happens to you. College will open up new horizons, and I am so excited for you.  Along with much more freedom and independence, you will also face some challenges and pressures.  Please ask yourself if what you are about to do is really worth the risk, whether in the short term or for the long run; and are you making a healthy choice? Your intent may be to have fun, but what will the impact be if things go wrong?  So please take the following words of advice to heart:

•  Don’t get into a car alone with someone you don’t really know or you just met.

•  Don’t get into a car with someone who has been drinking or who is high.

•  Underage drinking is illegal.  It is also unhealthy for your still developing brain cells.

•  Using drugs is illegal.  It is also risky because you never fully know what is in that substance or how it will affect you that time.

•  Using other people’s medicine is a gamble.  No two people are alike; someone else’s medicines are meant for that person’s body, not yours.

•  Medicines are for illnesses, not for playing around; they can turn on you and make you sick. If you are not ill, don’t take medicines.

•  Though the desire to have sexual relations with someone may be very, very strong, consider the risks involved and the whole range of possible complications.

•  You can get HIV from just one sexual encounter, but HIV will cause a lifetime of heartache and suffering. 

•  You can contract HIV, herpes and other STDs from having oral sex.

•  When you engage in sexual relations with someone, you are engaging in sexual relations with all of that person’s previous or current sexual partners.

•  Freshman year is a whole new world, and things can feel stressful and overwhelming.  If you start feeling like it’s all too much, you can talk to a counselor at
  the Health Center, the R.A. in your dorm, or someone else you trust, and you can always call me. 

So there, I have said what’s on my mind. 

As you become a young adult, you will have many day-to-day choices that can affect you for years to come.  And remember, I am still here to help you figure things out along the way.  Call me. After all, that’s why I got you the cell phone!

Your Ever Loving Parent  

By Howard Reznick, LCSW-C, Senior Manager, Prevention Education, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD.

For more information about how to help your child avoid risky behaviors, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/prevention, or call JCS, 410-466-9200.

“As you run into your favorite retail store to grab a bottle of sunscreen for the beach, you stop dead in your tracks.  The outdoor summer displays have been replaced by school supply bins - and even fall decorations.  Glancing at your phone, you realize that it is still August and you do have a little time left before the yellow buses start rolling again.  The problem is, your heart has already stopped beating and your head is spinning.”  This is how my colleague, Colleen Brady Lippens, Health Educator with JCS Prevention Education, describes the jolt we parents get as back-to-school stress sets in.  She continues:
“Some parents greet the familiar buzz of back-to-school preparations with excited anticipation, while others would rather have a root canal.  Children also often experience mixed emotions and some stress as September looms. 

In addition to the logistics of school supplies, class schedules, daily routines, and homework assignments, students are faced with other anxieties.  According to psychiatrist and author Gail Saltz, M.D., kids face different kinds of stress according to their age group.  Pre-K through Grade School children may struggle with separation anxiety, learning and social issues.  The stress often felt by middle school kids includes bullying, cliques, peer pressure, changing academic pressures, and changes in their bodies. 

How can we best teach our kids to deal with these pressures?  The first thing we can do is reduce our own stress.  Our children follow our lead.  When facing the back-to-school stress, remember that most of these issues are temporary. 

Here are some stress-reducing suggestions:

1.  Breathe.  We really do tend to hold our breath.  In the midst of a stressful thought or activity, try breathing in to the count of 4, filling your lungs, and then slowly exhale (both times through the nose) to the count of 8.  This will calm you down almost immediately.

2.  Get organized.  Make a to-do list.  Take an inventory of what you have and what you need.  Keep a copy of the school supply lists in your car.  Checking off items will give you a sense of accomplishment.   

3.  Be prepared.  Don’t wait until the last minute to get school supplies, books, clothes, haircuts, and medical exams.  Let your kids participate in the shopping expeditions and choose notebooks, pencils and pens, etc. that suit their taste, within your budget.

4.  Keep it simple.  Don’t overcomplicate things.  If you are getting paperwork from school, read through the information and put important dates on the family calendar. 

5.  Practice your new night and morning routines.  Have your children gradually transition to an earlier bedtime and start getting up earlier.  If it’s hard, try laying out clothes and making lunch (inviting your kids to try out new menu ideas) the night before. 

6.  Encourage your children to talk about their hopes and fears for the coming year.

7.  Let go of expectations.  Whenever we have expectations of how things are going to turn out or how people should or will behave, we set ourselves up for disappointment.  Instead, go with the feeling of expectancy.  It’s more of a feeling of anticipation and a willingness to go with the flow.

You might even want to create an end-of-summer family activity, such as picnicking in a nearby park, picking fruit together at a farm, seeing a movie, inviting friends over for a BBQ, or just roasting marshmallows together and looking up at the stars in the back yard. Then, take a deep breath and you’ll be ready for a new school year. 

By Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family.  To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and check out the Parenting Tip of the Month at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org. 

After an often overscheduled school year, both kids and parents look forward to these sunny summer days, which promise a laid back lifestyle with lots of free time.  That can be good news, but summer also presents challenges.  I consulted JCS Health Educator Susan Kurlander, who offered some tips on this topic.

“For teens, laziness seems like the rainbow they’ve been watching from afar.  Their parents have told us that they fear that more free time means more opportunity to use marijuana or other drugs, engage in underage drinking and/or sexual activity. 

What can parents do to make the most of summer, yet still keep their pre-adolescents and teens safe?

Have your kids check in.  Tell them how important it is to contact you by phone or text message during the day. 

If your child has not been able to find a summer job or is working part-time, explore opportunities for him/her to help out in your office or other locations or to undertake some useful projects around the house.

Here’s hoping that you and your children have a sunny summer that is safe as well as fun.  Make the most of a time when all of you can catch your breath and enjoy each other’s company before school begins again in the fall.”

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

Jewish Community Services offers a wide range of supportive services and resources for you and your family. To learn more, call 410-466-9200, or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  Questions about parenting?  Send an e-mail to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and check out the Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.

The other night I was driving to Hunt Valley Mall to pick my son up from a late movie.  While I was driving on Route 83, my cell phone indicated that I had received a message.  Thinking my son may have left me a voicemail about a change of plans, I glanced at the phone.  He had sent me a text message.  This left me with a variety of choices, none of which really appealed to me.  I could read the message while driving 65 miles an hour,  I could pull over to the shoulder , or I could continue on my way and ignore the message.  I chose to ignore the message for the time being.  But I couldn’t help thinking about why my son would send me something to read when he knew I was driving, and I also thought about the fact that he is a new driver himself.

A few days later, I saw an article from the New York Times called “Texting May Be Taking a Toll.”  The writer reported that according to the Nielson Company, American teenagers are receiving an average of 80 messages a day.  This new means of communication is starting to concern physicians, psychologists, educators, and parents, who observe that texting is causing sleep deprivation, distraction in school, and poor grades.  Psychologist Sherry Turkle, who is director of the Initiative on Technology and Self at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has studied the texting habits of teenagers.  She believes texting may be causing a shift in the way adolescents develop.  Turkle is concerned that texting affects a teenager’s ability to become autonomous.

I can only speak about what I have seen and heard.  Texting is all around me.  It has become the preferred way for my son to communicate with me when he is out. But how can a person concentrate on thinking something through if his phone is constantly buzzing and he is constantly checking to see if it buzzed?  How can a teenager separate from her parents and learn to become autonomous when she can text every question or decision to Mom and Dad?  What is happening to kids’ ability to take the time and solitude to reason and reach decisions on their own?

A lot of children may say that parents have no right to complain about texting since Mom and Dad may be just as dependent on their BlackBerry.  Kids may not grasp the difference between a parent checking in at work with their PDA and a child texting his or her friends 80 times a day.  I think this topic could make for some lively dinner conversation, leading to healthy limit setting and maybe even a lower phone bill!

Donna Kane, MA, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, Maryland

JCS offers addictions treatment, as well as prevention education for children, teens, parents and professionals.  For more information, call 410-466-9200 or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.