FEATURED JOBS
Comments (0)I am about to admit that it is time I begin to keep up with the Jones’, the Smiths, or anyone else who has exercised their First and Second Amendment rights while attending a town hall meeting.
I’m going to synagogue for the High Holy Days in a couple of weeks and since it is the start of a new year, I’m copping a whole new attitude.
I have been an usher at my temple for the High Holiday services for close to ten years now. This is considered an honor, and is a very important task. We greet the worshippers as they arrive at temple, assist them to their seats, and provide any help when needed.
We are stationed at the doors and inside the sanctuary as well, and we make sure that no one can enter the sanctuary during the time important prayers are being offered and during the Rabbi’s sermon, and assist if a medical issue arises that needs to be addressed immediately. In general, we do what we can to ensure that the services are conducted with the proper decorum you would expect. In my ten years of experience, ushering has provided me with a tremendous sense of satisfaction, and I’m very proud of my contributions.
That’s the old Jay talking. Here’s the new Jay. I’m going to be a different man this time. I’m going out and getting myself a pistol, and I’m packing it on a shoulder holster, a la James Bond, while I’m performing my ushering duties.
This now makes sense to me. No more will I have to be polite and understanding to anybody who needs my help. I can be manly and aggressive to all those I feel merit my disdainful new attitude. No more Mister Nice Guy, and if I feel somebody doesn’t like the new me, I’ll just pull open my jacket and show that ingrate my new toy. That will shake things up and nobody will mess with me.
There are other practical applications for packing heat as well. You never know when you may need it, for example, to stop an insurrection inside the sanctuary or shoot a non- member who is trying to gyp into services without a ticket.
This is not all there is either. I have decided that I must now also enlighten the members of the temple to the totalitarian ways and methods of our rabbi, so when he begins to deliver his sermon, I’m going to shout out that he’s a Nazi, and disrupt him when he begins to wax eloquently.
This is totally in sync with my new attitude and philosophy and is in perfect harmony with the tenets of fascism. It’s very simple to follow. The rabbi is an authority figure, he speaks from a pulpit or lectern, and he spouts dogma that espouses fundamental beliefs about religion that cannot be challenged. Most importantly, he’s speaks about subjects that may impact my life, and I do not need or want to hear that drivel.
I know what’s best for me. Just because he’s numero uno doesn’t make him right. He really is a Nazi. Besides, if you can’t call your rabbi a Nazi, then who can you call a Nazi, Barney Frank? Too easy a target. Additionally, the new Jay will now proclaim to the minions at temple that the Rabbi’s wife shall be forever known as Eva Braun.
I’m a new convert and I have seen the light. Advocating a belief in health care reform and wanting changes to the system aided by the U.S. government are without a doubt the basic principles of the fascist movement.
The facts that the Nazis committed mass genocide and provoked a world war that caused millions of other deaths and casualties are minor and insignificant details that are to be reduced to the scrapheap of history. Modern political theory is all that matters, and I’m all for it. I feel a sense of shame that 40 years ago when I graduated from the School of Government and Public Administration from American University that I didn’t recognize and comprehend this political concept. I learned about the wrong fascists in college, not the ones cited by today’s protesters of health care reform. My parents wasted all that money on me. How could I have been this dumb?
Don’t worry, now that I’ve taken up the cause and I’m a changed man, I will definitely do my part. It may be too late to impart this wisdom to my children because they’re grown now, but now that I’m a grandfather, I can dispense some much needed sage advice to my grandson.
Here’s the plan. When he begins school and he is called on in class, he doesn’t have to answer; he can call his teacher a Nazi. That will guarantee his academic success. When he’s out on the diamond in Little League and the ump calls him out, he doesn’t have to go back to the bench. He can call the ump a Nazi and just keep playing. In a hoops game if a foul is called on him, he can just shout out to the ref “You’re a Nazi!” and continue with the game.
This is indispensable advice that I giving him and it will undoubtedly serve him well, and the chicks will dig it too. In the truest sense he will become a freedom fighter against the fascists who are trying to ruin this country.
Finally, I can truly say that I’m a changed man, and that I can sleep better at night because I’m fighting for the great causes, freedom, and protection given to me under the Constitution against those who would destroy my way of life. Even better, I don’t have to worry about any negative implications that stem from my actions. I’m guilt-free. My favorite political guru summed it up best. I’m an American and I never have to apologize. Let freedom reign, and now let’s go get those socialist commie bastards.
