When you walk into a Starbucks it’s a little like entering another country. Some of the language is “Italianish” and the rest is completely made up, yet universal to all citizens. When you visit Starbucks for the first time you might be overwhelmed by the cultural gap and the language barrier. You see, Starbucks drinkers have an acute understanding of this made up ordering system, the terminology, how to conjugate the verbs, and the proper phrasing of the request i.e. size first, then special requirements, then drink type.
The employees, or should I call them caffeine scientists, are trained to do far more than make a cappuccino. My barista knows the make, model, and color of my car and when he sees it drive up, he starts my drink. He deduces that if I’m wearing golf or workout clothes I will require my usual to be iced and quickly dumps it and has the appropriate drink ready by the time I hit the door. He is keenly aware of my standard approach speed and if I seem to be ambling he’ll throw in an extra shot.
But, sometimes even I am shocked by how intricate requests can get. I think some of these drinkers actually believe they have learned another language and revel in this false sense of intelligence.
Today the woman in front of me ordered a tall 2 splenda, extra dry, machiatto with extra foam, on the fly.
Extra dry? Really? “What is extra dry… just beans?”
“No, it’s more froth.”
“Didn’t she imply that when she said extra foam?”
“No the frothiness actually refers to the consistency of the foam.”
Why do I feel like I’m having a conversation with NASA? And yet, who am I to talk? I know that a standard latte is made at 160°, which would be bad enough, except that I also know that I prefer mine at 150°. My barista who also writes, Jenny from the block on every cup, actually figured this out by watching my drinking ritual. He said, “I noticed you seem to wait about 8 minutes for your coffee to cool. I think the problem is an over sensitive pallet and I suggest you drop the temp about 10 degrees. Look, this is just a hypothesis, I will investigate further.” Soon this will be something you can major in, like criminal investigation or a show, “CSI Starbucks.”
“Everyone step away from the mocha, CSI unit (Coffee Scene Investigation) is here. There is nothing to see here, please disperse. What’s seems to be the problem, ma’am?”
Disgruntled Customer: “My mocha is not rich enough, and it’s too wet. I specifically said grande, 18 pump, extra fat, mildly damp, 157° Mochachokaccino with extra whip that is dolloped in the shape of a pygmy monkey.”
The area around the cup is taped off and a bit is spilled into a petri dish and run out of the store to a mobile CSI van. The maverick of the team fearlessly swipes his finger through the java then smells and licks it, as if it’s cocaine. One more lick for good measure and an extra jolt. “Well your first problem is this is only 17 pumps. It’s also a mere 142°, which if my calculations are correct mean 7 minutes ago when it was made it was 155°, and not a degree more. Your other problem was in the call. The cashier/Mayor should know not to call a whip sculpted in the shape of anything other than the Starbuck’s mermaid goddess on our logo, who we in the biz affectionately call Flo.”
Disgruntled Customer: “Like flow of the coffee or the ocean?”
“No, like cash flow. Look, we’re gonna take this downtown to the lab, but just for the record Cappy Joe, or Cuppa Joe as we like to call him, is the best. He’ll have this coffee and a full report back to you by day’s end. Please enjoy a maximum of 2 hours free internet access in the mean time. And don’t forget to try one of our new hot breakfast sandwiches.”
As always enjoy more of Jenny from the blog at Suburban Jungle
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/09/09 at 12:54 PM | Comments (2)
Comments
I loved your comment and oh so randomly ordered that very drink just the other day. However, I like my anorexic, small difference. They just don’t fill it up as much. It took them 7 hours to make it, but it was good… darn good. Thanks for reading and enjoying, it sounds like you could take my job. Luckily, I don’t get paid, so the competition… not so fierce.
Jenny from the blog.
If you like this check out the blog http://www.suburbanjungle.net
more ramblings about Earth shattering issues like the Starbucks language barrier.
Hi Jenny;
As a Starbucks habitue and observer and chronicler of the absurd myself, I was just reflecting on the ‘lingua arabica’ that used to be so unique to the independent coffee shop/cafe’. A ‘secret passcode’ needed for entry into the society of the ‘regulars’. With the advent of Starbucks and it’s clones, this ‘coffee latin’ has been weighed, measured, pre-packaged, and corporatized into a computer friendly standardized shorthand,with all the romance of a yuppie texting on a Blackberry. (In rush hour, in his/her luxury SUV..while reading a blog…and Twittering..while drinking a tall, skinny, extra…oops, full circle..but that’s a different rant…LOL). I was in “my” Pikesville Starbucks, which is slated to close at the end of the month….{insert heartfelt sigh of despair}, on Monday discussing the ease or difficulty of learning a new language, as an adult vs. a child, and the various ways and their advantages and faults. (With your JT editor Neil, by the way). he has asked why have not applied for a job at Starbucks, since I almost live there anyway, and one of my reasons, among many others, was that at 53, learning the argot is too much hassle, these folks are actually tested on corporate designed, computer generated forms…..oy!!..I used to work at “Funks Democratic Coffee Spot” in Fells Point, before it closed up, this was a place where if the cups and saucers, or the silverware matched up, we felt that we had let you down with our conformity. Original art on the walls, Hand painted chairs and tables, quite often done in the middle of a meal, by a customer or employee whose muse suddenly appeared. We knew most of our regular patrons tastes and desires too, but we also knew there original and sometimes creative descriptions of their favorite beverages…‘let me have one of those, you know, the one with that syrup and the soy, oh yeah and not too bubbly’...it is amazing how many poets and writers can’t express a coherent thought without a pen or keyboard…yours truly included…LOL. If you really want to trip out the barrista next time, walk in and ask for, ‘A triple Albanian, organic, free trade, shade grown from Jamaican Blue Mountain beans grafted on to Icelandic Polar Bear fertilized a Peruvian Coca-Cacao-Cocoa hybrid, harvested by virgin, orphaned, torture free, non-violent, vegetarian pickers, in a non-exploitative democratic employee owned green ozone friendly, rainforest preserving, non-profit co-op, skinny, non-anorexic, anti-biotic free, free range, papaya-peanut butter-broccoli-liverwurst-licorice latte…..the whole coffe drinking world will ‘grind’ to a halt!!! LOL…(like thos Visa check card commercials, where someone wants to pay cash..)............ANYWAY….I enjoy your writing..hope you had a laugh….....Dave
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