FEATURED JOBS
Comments (1)You’ve just received the kind of phone call we all dread. A close friend has been diagnosed with a serious illness. You’re shocked and shaken. Maybe you’re thinking, “It can’t be,” or “What’s going to happen now?” As upset as you feel, you are even more concerned for your friend.
When someone we’re close to develops a serious illness, we may not know what to say, or we fear we will say the wrong thing. There is also a natural tendency to want to protect ourselves from the knowledge that “this could happen to me, too.” When a dear one is ill, we are all afraid.
Brushes with mortality can be intimidating. These fears, however, rob a friend of our loving support at the time when it is most needed. When someone feels abandoned by health and good fortune, adding social abandonment can really hurt. So, as friends, we can’t allow our fears to be paralyzing.
None of us has the answers at times like this, but asking supportive questions is the key. Here are some helpful hints, from the perspective of the person who is ill. I’ve learned these by being on both sides of that helping equation.
• Don’t feel you have to make me or the situation better. Certainly don’t give me advice on what I should be doing. Instead, be there for me by expressing empathy: “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
• Make sure that what you want to do for me is something I’d like to have done! Check with me just by asking the question: “I’d like to do a housecleaning for you. Would that be all right?”
• Give me the opportunity to talk about my illness by asking a simple question: “I hope you are holding up well. How is it going?” If I feel like talking, you’ve opened the door—- but please don’t push me through it. Sometimes I have to be me and not this illness.
• Because symptoms are often invisible, I may look better than I feel. With illness, exhaustion can come on hard and fast. When we go on an outing or work on a project, please reassure me that you are there to follow my lead: ”You’ll let me know when you’ve had enough, won’t you?” But the other maxim is: “Don’t ask me every second if I am OK.” I need that balanced place between caring and overwhelming.
• Sending a card means a lot. I can read it when I feel up to it, and I can save it to remind me of your caring. Remember to keep phone calls and visits brief. Let me ask for more!
• Keeping my household running and getting to appointments are some of my biggest worries. Informal scheduling of volunteer meals and rides is a great help, but there are also free web tools (see ”Lotsa Helping Hands” and “CareCalendar”) for organizing that help.
The old cliché, “A friend in need is a friend indeed,” takes on new meaning when life presents us with the unexpected and unwelcome challenge of illness. Remember that feeling your warmth and kindness is healing for your friend. Keep your support simple and responsive to the person who has the illness.
By Karen James, LCSW-C, Manager, Adult Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services
To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200. Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.
