FEATURED JOBS
Comments (2)I am currently in the throes of planning a wedding for my only child, a daughter. While it would be easy to focus all of my attention on the details of the wedding, I often find myself focusing on the changing relationship between my daughter and myself. No doubt, she will always be “my baby.” I’ve made that clear to her from the day she was born.
But soon, she will also be someone’s wife. In the four years that she has been in a relationship with her future husband, the shift has been gradual. Once upon a time, I was the center of her universe: the first one she turned to with a problem, a need, or when she had to shed a tear. She confided in me and knew that I could be trusted to keep a secret.
Now her husband will be that center of her universe. Her primary relationship will be as part of a couple—as it should be. And for the sake of a healthy marriage, she and I need to remind ourselves of this new dynamic and work to respect the new boundaries. I’ll need to find the balance between being supportive and involved, but not embedded nor intrusive. I’ll need to recognize that her husband will be the one with whom she shares her secrets, her hopes and fears and who, on occasion, provides the shoulder for her to cry on.
What Have I Learned?
• Recognize how important it is to develop trust in your relationship—be it with a parent or with a partner. That trust has to be earned by both parties and it happens over time. Honor and respect the relationship you have with that person and work to keep each others’ confidences sacred.
• Open communication about your relationship—parent/child or husband/wife—is the key to evolving over time. I have clearly communicated to my daughter that I should not and do not ever want to come between her and her future husband. I have explicitly reminded her that if they have a disagreement, they need to work it out themselves or engage an unbiased third party (e.g., a counselor) to help them through. I will not take sides.
• Get to know your child’s partner for who he or she is, not only through the eyes of your child. Over these four years I have found things to discuss and share with my future son-in-law that allow us to develop our own unique and wonderful relationship.
• Get to know the future in-laws. Remember they are likely feeling the same way you are about their changing relationship with their child. You’d be amazed how that shared experience can build a strong foundation for your relationship over the years to come.
Truly, I am not giving up my role as “Mom.” I celebrate my daughter’s upcoming marriage with the knowledge that I have played a major role in launching her into the world as a young woman prepared to enter into an adult marriage. And soon I will have a “son” to add to my family tree. I have high hopes that their marriage will be a successful one, and I will have endless pride and pleasure in watching them evolve as a couple and, hopefully, one day—a family.
By Karen Nettler, MSW, Director, Community Connections, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD
To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200. Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.
