My son was recently diagnosed with Hodgkins disease.  While this is not the worst type of cancer to have, no parent wants to hear that his or her child is sick.  Many people know someone who has been struck with Hodgkins, and has successfully beaten it.  Believe me, we are grateful to hear the success stories.  My husband is one such success story, and he continues to inspire us.  But, what we don’t want is to be told, “This is nothing, he’ll be fine.”

The rational part of my brain that absorbs knowledge of statistics is pretty calm about this.  But the part of my brain that remembers holding my newborn son in the hospital is screaming.  So when I tell someone that my son is now battling cancer, what I really want to hear is, “Oh, I am so sorry to hear that; how are you and your family doing?”

I suppose friends want to comfort us by minimizing the degree of danger.  No one wants us to worry, and they all want us to be optimistic in the face of this illness.  Perhaps there is a deeper lesson here, though.  When people tell us bad news of an illness, job loss, etc., do we try to make them feel better by minimizing the degree of pain?  Instead of saying, “That’s awful!”, do we say, “Don’t worry, you’ll get another job.”?  Are we really listening to what our friends are telling us – not just the news, but the fear and concern underneath the words?

My son’s girlfriend confessed to me that she felt she was overreacting to this, since everyone kept telling her he was going to be fine.  I had had the same thoughts, but couldn’t articulate them until she mentioned this to me.  Even my son is uncomfortable, because people have said similar things to him.  No one, least of all the ill person, wants to be told, “Well, at least it’s just Hodgkins Disease.” 

My hope is that I will become more sensitive to other people when they share bad news, and that I will really listen to the emotions beneath the words.

By Abby Appelbaum, Team Manager, Client Information Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200.  Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.

Thank you for having the courage to write about a topic you are currently struggling with, at a difficult time in your life.  Your words are powerful and helpful. I will hold your son and family in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for reminding us that words mean a lot and the need to be careful when trying to empathize with a friend.