“Pick up after yourself,” “be on time,” “get rid of stuff,” “eat healthier,” “save more money”….. The list of complaints, which are often just differences, often causes conflict in couples’ relationships.  Two people are never identical in their way of doing things and nobody comes in a perfect package.  The trouble begins when these differences are taken as a personal assault and proof that our significant other just does not care. 

One woman who tended towards perfection in all areas would fume when her husband did not notice the laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs.  “HOW DO YOU THINK THAT BASKET IS GOING TO GET UPSTAIRS?” she berated.  If you asked this woman at a different time if her husband helped out when she asked him to, she would answer yes.  She would also acknowledge that he tends to be a bit spacey at times, not as fully aware of his surroundings as she is.  In fact, she was on the anxious side and often appreciated his laid back approach and felt he was a good balance, particularly with the kids.  But at that moment, when he bypassed the basket, she was full of rage.  Why?  “Because if he truly respected me, I would not have to ask him to do it” was her answer.  In the moment, husband was stunned and felt attacked.  He then turned around and yelled at her for being so critical. 

It’s all too easy to get into the “defend and attack” mode.  It’s not always easy to step back when strong feelings are coming from you or at you.  We make assumptions and see our spouses’ reactions as a direct commentary on ourselves—how good or bad we are, how loveable, how deserving, how important, etc. 

If only this wife could have paused and remembered that her husband was just being his spacey self, instead of assuming he was making a direct statement about her being unimportant, invisible, not worthy of respect.  The husband could also have stepped back and said to himself, “That’s my sensitive wife who battles anxiety.  Let me reassure her that I’d be happy to take the basket of clothes upstairs.”  But instead, he assumed that she was referring to him as a lazy, unworthy doormat and so he was quick to shoot back. 

Understanding and compassion are often the antidotes to an escalating battle.  It’s always so much harder to see our own participation in the battle, when the person in front of us might seem like a whakadoo at that moment!  Generally, it’s better to calm down when you’re feeling enraged and try to sort out what is triggering these extreme feelings.  Or if you feel that you just took a bullet, maybe you could not immediately strike back, but attempt a discussion at a later, agreed upon time.  Usually, these kinds of conflicts are not just about the daily annoyances, but more about the often mistaken meaning we give them.   

By Lynn Feldman, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200.  Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.