“You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family,” goes the old saying.  As the New Year begins, many of us are acutely aware that our family relationships are not all we wish they could be.  Maybe you’re disappointed because someone has failed to call or send a card.  Maybe you’re angry because you weren’t invited to a simcha.  Perhaps old rivalries have surfaced with siblings as your aging parents’ needs have changed.  So now you’re shouting at each other, or worse, not talking at all.  And it hurts. 

How do we get into these stalemates?  We have expectations that others fail to meet.  We feel wrongly accused, or we need to blame someone.  “He blew it out of proportion.”  “She should have known how I felt.” 

One thing is certain (and we know this in the pits of our stomachs, as mental health professionals will attest): fractured relationships are bad for our emotional and physical health.  Conflict is inherent in family relationships, but when we stew and hold grudges instead of talking to each other, our feelings get worse over time, creating stress.  Avoiding another person and holding on to hurt feelings is hard work because it means stifling our natural human needs for comfort, support, and connections to family.

What can we do to heal the breaches within our families?  During this holiday season, we are reminded over and over again that life is short and fragile, and we are urged to devote this time to introspection and mending fences.  Perhaps we have mistaken oversights for intentional insults, or looked at the proverbial glass as half empty instead of finding the positives in a relationship.  Can we learn how to say, and hear, “I’m sorry”?  Can we let go of the need to prove we were right and try to salvage the relationship?  Certainly, if we are stuck, we can turn to someone we trust – another family member, a friend, a rabbi, a therapist. 

Turning and returning – that’s what the High Holidays are about.  May this new year bring you and yours peace and hope.

By Gail Lipsitz, Coordinator, Public Relations, Jewish Community Services.

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Jewish Community Services helps you solve life’s puzzles, offering you guidance and support when you are looking for solutions.  For more information, call 410-466-9200 or visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org.  JCS is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.