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Comments (1)Why is crying so often seen as a sign of weakness in our society? Think of the expression “cry baby,” a mocking label that playmates will paste on a kid who reacts naturally to being hurt. This attitude is instilled in us from childhood, and it’s reflected in the popular culture. Remember the Sixties hit song by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, “Big girls don’t cry”? And if big girls aren’t supposed to cry, how much more so big boys!
Representative John Boehner, who became Speaker of the House in January, is unapologetic about his propensity for crying in public when he is moved. Speaking at the televised memorial session of Congress after the shootings in Tucson, Arizona, he tapped into the national shock and grief. Perhaps his tears also eroded a bit of the stereotype that crying by a man is a sign of weakness.
The language we use betrays our thinking about emotions. When and why is it necessary to “hold back one’s tears” or “keep a stiff upper lip”? Are we afraid that we might “burst into tears,” “break down and cry,” “cry our eyes out,” “dissolve into tears” or—heaven forbid—“melt down”? These expressions convey the idea that strong feelings can be explosive, scary, and uncontrollable. Once we let them out, what will happen to us? So we labor mightily to “keep it together,” especially in public, but sometimes even in private.
I have always seen crying as a sign of a person in touch with and unashamed of showing his or her emotions. We usually think of crying as an expression of sorrow and grief. But sometimes it conveys great joy, as in “my cup runneth over,” and often it expresses a mixture of emotions. A memory can trigger tears, but sometimes they just seem to come out of nowhere. Crying can be a sign of empathy and a compassionate heart, as when we hear or read a story that brings us to tears. Then there’s “I laughed so hard that I cried,” which highlights how close laughter and tears can be on the spectrum of emotions, and how they flow into each other.
I remember the first time I went to a movie with a guy who cried during an emotional scene. It was in college and the film was “A Thousand Clowns” with Jason Robards. My date wasn’t embarrassed, and I was touched. I thought his lack of inhibition was an indication of maturity and self-acceptance.
Most people, however, are discomfited by seeing another person cry. They feel helpless. They want to protect the person from pain, especially if it’s someone they love. So their reaction is to try to comfort the person and get him or her to stop crying as quickly as possible. But by not giving “permission” and by inhibiting the experience of crying, they are not doing the person a favor.
Think about another popular expression: “I had a good cry.” What exactly is “a good cry”? Can crying actually be beneficial? In his article “Dispelling 5 Common Myths about Grief,” Alan D. Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, takes apart the myth that “Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.” On the contrary, Wolfelt says, “Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted.” In counseling thousands of people in grief, Wolfelt has observed that “seemingly not only do people feel better after crying, they also look better. Expressions of tension and agitation seem to flow out of their body. The capacity to express tears appears to allow for a genuine healing.” So tears are not only natural, but healthy, both physically and emotionally. When the storm passes, we haven’t melted away. We are still there; we get up and keep living.
Next time you see another person crying, what can you do?
• Hold the person’s hand, or put your arm around his shoulders. You don’t even need to say anything. Just be there.
• If the person wants to talk about what has moved her (whether it’s sad, happy, or mixed emotions), just listen. You don’t have to think of something to say. You don’t have the power to change the situation, but by letting the person talk, you are providing a healthy outlet along with comfort and support.
• If you feel moved to do so, let yourself cry along with the person. Crying can be contagious. Seeing another person crying can free us of our own inhibitions, and both feel better afterwards.
It’s OK to let our children and friends see our tears. In fact, we would be a healthier and more compassionate society if we gave ourselves and others permission to “have a good cry.”
By Gail Josephson Lipsitz, Coordinator, Public Relations, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD
To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200. Jewish Community Services is an agency of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore.
