I’m going to say something here in this space that will make me sound tragically “un-hip,” overly PC, supremely humorless and highly whiny. But so be it. Wouldn’t be the first time.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who absolutely worship Howard Stern. Besides being blisteringly funny and acerbic, they say the mother of all shock-jocks is a brilliant commentator on virtually everything (and everyone) in our society that is false, vain and patently stupid. In other words, he says it “the way it is,” articulating in one way or another what all of us may think or feel but would never have the guts to utter aloud. Honesty for a change, in the tradition of his fellow Jewish humorists Mort Sahl, Philip Roth, Lenny Bruce and even Al Franken.

For some time now, I’ve felt that this poor excuse of DNA is just a joke and a bully, a provocateur of the lowest, crudest order. But his recent attack against Gabourey Sidibe, the star of “Precious” who was up for Best Actress at last Sunday night’s Academy Awards, is simply below the belt, even for ol’ Howie.

On his Monday show, sitting next to Pikesville native Robin “Uncle Tom” Quivers, Stern said, while recapping the endless Oscars telecast, that Sidibe is “the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. … You feel bad because everyone pretends that she’s part of show business, and she’s never going to be in another movie. What movie is she going to be in? ‘Blind Side 2’—she could be the football player.”

(Hey Howard, ever hear of Queen Latifah? Oprah Winfrey? People of all shapes and sizes and races are making forays into the entertainment world nowadays. They even let tall, skinny, gawky guys on satellite radio.)

Of his fellow media sacred cow Oprah, he said, “She told an enormous woman [Sidibe] the size of a planet that she’s going to have a career. Oprah should’ve said, ‘You need to get help, we don’t want to lose you.’ You just want to say to her, `Listen, honey, now that you’ve got a little money in the bank, go get yourself thin, because you’re going to die in three years.’”

Boy, that guy is some kind of humanitarian, a true crusader against obesity. (The world could’ve used another doctor from “Lawn Guyland.”) But is he really concerned about Sidibe’s weight and health or is he just – as usual – saying inane, outrageous, offensive things merely to get attention and high ratings? Isn’t that what he’s all about anyway?

I’ve got to tell you, I’m pretty sick and tired of people saying that Howard Stern is the Paul Revere of candor and honesty – and the great foe of artifice – in this country, like he should be wrapped up in the American flag and the First Amendment.

Let’s call him for what he is – a mean-spirited, bigoted, ugly, self-loathing, pathetic jerk. Why else would he beat up on this talented young actress? Howard, like his adoring, sycophantic public, is merely a manifestation of our misguided, callous, graceless age.

He may indeed be brilliant and funny. He may upset the applecart, which we desperately need in our culture. But ask yourself, does he do what he does for the sanctity of the truth or does he do it for his own largesse?

Look, I’m sorry he hates himself so much, and that the “cool kids” back in the day roughed him up, physically and emotionally. But not to sound too much like an armchair shrink but why would anyone want to listen to him slam others because of what happened to him decades ago?

Here’s a confession. Back in my college days, I used to listen to Howard a lot when he was on a D.C. station. I liked his edgy stuff and thought he was a bit of a mad genius. But when he started joking around about his wife’s miscarriage and going into gory details about it, that’s when I turned it off.

I just wish everyone else would do the same now. Wake up, the emperor’s buck naked, folks. The plug should’ve been pulled about 15 years ago.