Look, I don’t want to sound too Seinfeld-esque here, but there are certain little things in everyday life that just … bug the living hell out of me. Just drive me mad! Maybe you as well.
Blogs were invented by Al Gore or Steve Jobs or someone like that so people can vent their spleens to the faceless masses – or at least to two or three of their buddies who follow their rants every now and then – so what better place to share some of my favorite pet peeves? After all, it is a new year. Maybe it’ll give us all something to think about before 2012 winds down into a life-ending ball of unadulterated hellfire (as reportedly predicted by the Mayans, Nostradamus and others).
Let’s start with those pesky people who decide to back into parking spaces. These dreadful, ridiculous, heinous folks need to be corralled and shipped over to a remote, uninhabitable part of western Australia immediately. I can’t fathom why so many drivers over the last year or two in America have decided that they can’t possibly just pull into a space headfirst. (Did I miss the interoffice email?)
No, they have to back in (even those not driving Lamborghinis) so that when they need to leave they’re all set for their immediate launch, as if they were Batman speeding off to save Gotham City or something.
Natch, I always get behind these people in a parking garage or lot. They typically drive slightly past the space and suddenly turn their wheel a little to back in. By this point, I have to back up as well since I can’t actually read their minds (and the cars behind me have to back up too). Then, I have to wait about a half-hour or so until this driver—who’s usually got a cell phone tightly wedged between their ear and their shoulder and is jabbering away—backs into the space just right. Sometimes they’re a teenager, sometimes they’re likely a World War I veteran. Doesn’t matter. It usually takes at least two or three good attempts to fit into the space, and they have no concern that they’re holding up others.
OK, glad I got that off my chest. Let’s move on.
People who like to speak in an obnoxiously loud manner on their cell phone about the most inane stuff while waiting in line. Yes, I’m usually in front of or behind that person and have to listen to all of their so-called dirty laundry. The question remains, why do these people even need cell phones? None of them are the president of the United States or even members of the U.S. Senate or House of Representatives. Is talking on the cell really just entertainment for them, like hanging out with pals or playing golf or playing video games? Do they really have to talk with their cousin about how much they ate and drank last year during the Thanksgiving meal at Aunt Hilda’s? More importantly, do I have to listen to it?
Next: those perky, can’t-get-‘em-down, cockeyed optimists who like to say all the time, “It’s all good.” Yes, “it’s all good.” That’s gotta go – and quickly. Very 2004, don’tcha think? It’s all good? Let me take you to a couple of places where it’s not all good. Then you’ll stop uttering that insipid saying that belongs on the trash heap of bumper sticker bromides. Take a good look around, pal, and get your head out of the clouds. It ain’t all good! In fact, in some parts things are quite rotten!
Alright, back to cars. Why do so many people nowadays have to drive with tinted windows? Are they movie stars? Drug dealers? Both? Who are they hiding from? The paparazzi? The taxman? Panhandlers on street corners? Hitmen? And why are they trying so hard to look like they’re above everyone else? What’s with the self-removal from the human race? That’s what email, voice-mail and cell phones are for, right? To avoid us.
OK, Facebook. Oy, where do you start? That great Talmudic sage of our times, Betty White, had it right – what a “colossal waste of time”! Sorry but I don’t need to read all about your colonoscopy today. Or see that dopey photo of Jacques, your 9-year-old Rottweiler, in a mauve tutu.
Next: people who seem to go on vacation every month of the year. Good vacations, too, not just day trips. Paris, safaris in Kenya, Prague, Monte Carlo, etc. We’re not talking northeastern Jersey here. Do these people have unlimited access to trust funds? Is there scholarship money available for going on cool vacations regularly? Where do I sign up?
Alright, one more curmudgeonly outburst – people who insist on sending holiday cards bearing their kids’ photos. Yes, the kids are cute, but do we really need to show off our children like prized bovines at the state fair? The worst ones are the photo holiday cards from Jews that either proclaim “Seasons Greetings” or “Happy Hanukkah.” Talk about Christmas envy - just throw in a crèche scene in the background and call it a day.
Well, I’m out for now. If you’ve got any pet peeves for the new year (and no, they can’t be about kvetchy, whiny, self-important bloggers), please share ‘em with me. Misery loves company, you know?